Narcissism

I feel like it wasn't until my 30s when I could sort through the personalities I often (or sometimes not-so-often) interact with in life. I really thought everything was more black and white and that every person was a good person inside. If they weren't being a good person to me then maybe they were just having a tough time, or maybe they just didn't like ME and I was the common factor. With some people it's taken me years to figure out the root of why they are the way they are and in the end, stop blaming myself.

As long as I can remember I always wanted people to like me. Ultimately it's the driving factor in why I still talk to people I don't care for, but it's also the reason why I strive to be the best of the best. I want people to like my [photography] work, so I am careful with detail and make sure everything's perfect before delivery. I want people to like the quality of work I put out at my day-job and to know I'm reliable and a hard worker. But I also want people to like me in my personal life. I strive hard to be the friend I would like to have for myself. Someone who is reliable (not flaky), someone who can be there when it's a tough time, but also there to be silly and have fun times. I know what it feels like to have people leave you all alone when you really just need someone to talk to. I think this empathetic personality has also brought myself and some people closer.

Because I strive to be this way, it's been hard for me to understand the concept of people who are all about themselves. In fact I didn't even know it existed really until recently. And with this I don't mean people who look in the mirror and say "I look awesome." I'm talking about people who have no regard or care for others because they can't see past themselves; AKA a Narcissist. Unfortunately most narcissists (actually probably all) don't know that they are this way. They don't see themselves as the common denominator and believe it has to be the people around them. They are not self-sacrificing, they don't understand that everyone has different circumstances in their job...in their life...whatever it may be. They only see how it effects them. Wikipedia states one of the traits as the "inability to view the world from the perspective of other people." Makes sense because that's how I live my life at least 90% of the time.

Unfortunately because I'm empathetic, people who are narcissists are successful in making me feel guilty and are able to convince me to do things (like spend money I don't have) to keep them happy. It's hard to be honest with a narcissist because they don't see why it just can't be their way. That definitely goes along another trait Wikipedia lists: "using other people without considering the cost of doing so." You can't always assume that other people are in the same position as you. Being kind, be caring and also be courteous...think of someone else besides YOURSELF and what you want. If we all got what we wanted and every decision that was made in life was ours, then what the hell are we working for? Why do we have friends and family?

The other thing I've noticed about some narcissists is that they're FAKE. They like things to be for "show" and not for real. They'd rather pretend that everything is perfect than actually deal with the issues at hand. They blame others instead of just owning their mistakes. They don't like when people question them or have another idea that is not theirs, so they will in turn hate you and think every little thing you do is malicious. They are flattered by people who reaffirm them and stick close to those people so it feeds into their ego. Wiki again: "Flattery towards people who admire and affirm them." Why hang around people who know your game and don't let you always do what you want, when you can go hang with someone who always tells you how awesome you are? You can NEVER question a narcissist because even if you're using the nicest, sweetest voice/text/email, they will still see it as questioning their being. How dare you question them?

It is interesting though. Some of these people do ask me how I am doing, what's going on in my life, my business, my work. Whether they're actually listening and interested I'm not sure...they could just be fake. But that's fine. What gets me is spending time with someone who never asks me how I'm doing. Granted my life is far from exciting but it gets old being the person who has to ask all of the questions. Some of the narcissistic people I've met I also get a sense of "entitlement" oozing from their self-centered soul. I think the entitlement is also the recognition and admiration they strive for. They are selfish: "I did this for you, now what are you going to do for me?" Whereas I believe in the golden rule of doing unto others as you would have others do unto you. Relationships are 50/50 but in times of tragedy, grief, stress, etc. the ratio may change for a bit and then go back to 50/50.

The reason for this post...well...there's many...but one of them being that it's holiday time it reminded me of how gifts are very important for some people and not so much for others. That constant pressure of getting out holiday cards, making sure I've gotten gifts for everyone, making sure it all arrives or is wrapped and ready on time...it's horrible. This will be our 5th Christmas with Jeff not employed full-time. The expectation (sometimes from the narcissistic people) is that I will still have a gift for them. Why? Because they love getting gifts and to not send a gift means you don't care. What they really don't know is, I don't want or need a gift either. I just don't understand this cycle of "I'm going to get you a gift, so you get me one." What's the point? I don't measure how much people care about me from a card or a gift. I measure it by the good times we have together, the laughter we share, how much you care for my children and show them love...how much you love me even though my house is a mess and my kids are screaming their heads off...how you don't care that I need to eat dinner by 7 because I have to go to bed by 11 to get up with the kids...the fact that wine and takeout is a perfectly acceptable night because it's cheap and fun...the fact that you tell me thank you when I cook for you, drive you somewhere, help YOU out too... There's an ecard going around online that says that true friends/family you don't need to talk to all the time, you just pick up where you left off last time and that could be a year or two later. I completely agree.

I have much more to say about this but I'm going to end it here. My budget is blown and I have tons of responsibilities to tend to tonight, but it's one of my good friend's birthdays and I'm going to put that aside to be there for her and take her out to dinner. She's been there for me time and time again and loves me and my family no matter what circumstances we're under. It's my turn to be there for her and celebrate her.

Cheers, Meg

Wikipedia References