The Tale of Two Careers

If you would have told me 10.5 years ago when I graduated college that not only would I be a wife, mother of two, and the bread-winner in my family, all whilst working in two industries that I did not get my diploma in, I would have told you that you were crazy.

I spend 40 hours a week and sometimes travel and have been for the past 10 years at one of the leading Biomedical Device Manufacturers’ in the world.  I love my job.  I love the people here.  I love the culture.  I love my boss.  I love my peers.  I love my easy commute.  I love that I don’t have to kiss anyone’s ass to “make it” (as I would have in the former industry I worked in).  I also spend 20 or so hours a week building a business that I set out two years ago to be a full-time income by the year 2023.

I spend my mornings, nights, part of my weekdays, and all of my weekends being a full-time mommy.  Somewhere in there I try and give 110% to being a wife, a daughter, a daughter-in-law, a niece, a friend and a granddaughter.  Needless to say there aren't enough hours in the day.

In this post I want to focus on my career…well…my careerS.  Is it possible to have two careers?  Can I juggle both whilst dealing with the commitment to my family and friends?  Which career comes first?  These are all questions I’ve had as we start 2015 and I begin building my business even more this year, taking my equipment and art to another level and pushing myself to learn more and be better.

I started thinking about this in December as I was writing my annual review of myself for my boss.  It asked me what my goals for my career were and what I need from my boss to get better.  Over the last few months I hadn't focused much on my full time career; I always deliver on time or early, try and step it up a notch with what I provide, always take on new tasks and challenges with a smile on my face…but I hadn't spent much time growing myself.  I realized that in those same months it’s because I began taking myself up a notch in the Photography world.  I stared at the blank page and blinking curser, confused on what to write.  It’s like at that moment it finally hit me that I won’t be at my full time job forever.  So what’s my career goals then?  Do I just continue down my same path until Photography can be my full-time job or do I actually actively pursue both careers with 110% of my heart and soul?  I had to close down the document on my computer for a few days and really think this over…

Last summer, as I was questioning if I should really give up photography or not, I met some new people (other photographers) and also acquired some life-long “fans” (as I would call them).  Photography is very much meant for people who constantly strive to be better, find every little thing they did wrong with a shot, and then push themselves to get better and be better.  This suits my personality well because I always feel like I can grow, be better, learn more and that this process will never stop and I’m unquestionably hard on myself by nature.  It will be like that until the day I never pick up a camera again.  So with the help of other photogs and the cheering from my small “fan” base, I decided not to quit and to keep going.  But to keep going I had to take it up a notch.  Really grab the reigns and start learning my camera better, the software better, lighting better…and it worked.  It made me more confident and really pushed me from an amateur into the very beginnings of a professional photographer.  Since then I've been working hard to get my galleries up and running on a nicer page, my website updated, a studio management app put into place to help me with invoicing, client management, quotes and questionnaires.  I've also been pushing myself like crazy to get better with my camera.  Because of that, within a few months I outgrew my trusty t3i “mom-camera” (name assigned by the photog’s in the industry, not me) and upgraded to a Canon 6D and with a Sigma 1.4 lens.  What does this mean to those of you who aren't photogs?  It means my camera f***ing rocks and I finally have a grown-up piece of equipment to match what I’m striving for. 

The only thing that I unfortunately can’t work on right now is my client base.  I still go almost 100% off word-of-mouth and referrals because I just don’t have the time right now to a.) promote & advertise myself like crazy – this requires me to work at this job full time and I can’t with another full time job + a family and b.) find the time to do more shoots than I currently do all while working full time, being a mom, wife, etc.  I also set a goal that I didn't want to actively seek out strangers on my own until I felt like my work was up-to-par and competitive with other photographers in my market.  My prices are slightly lower for a reason – I’m still learning.  And my client base is small for a reason – I’m still learning and not confident enough in myself to compete in a market with people who are more talented than me.  It will probably take another year under my belt before I can really start going after clients and competing in my market at another level.  I’m also still in the very beginning stages of learning how to run a business.  Learning to run a full-fledged business while bettering your craft and advertising yourself is a 40+ hour a week job in itself.

It’s two days later and I've opened up the document about my career goals for my boss.  I decide that I do need some career growth at my full time job because I've been doing what I do for 3 years and it’s time to take it up a notch as far as my knowledge and the pay.  I, however, know that I want to take on a role that fits and not something that will bleed into my personal life (and my photography career) like previous positions I've held.  I take a blend of what I already know and what I've been working on this past year and decide that I’d like to go for a Project Manager career path, if my bosses allow it.  This plays to my strengths and to my experience, but it is also something new and challenging to work towards.  I already know (and have always known) that I don’t want to be a Director or a VP or anything of that crazy sort.  I’m too soft and emotional to be able to handle those battles…so going this route seems more natural to me.  Will that be the route my boss and HR choose for me?  Who knows…but it’s a goal.

I’m hoping 2015 will be a growth year for both of my careers.  It’s kind of strange having two careers…most people just say they have “two jobs,” but I don’t see it as that.  I’m investing myself and my time and so are the people around me.  It’s only fair that all of that pays off for both me and them.

Crossing 2

It's a strange thing with children...crossing the 2-year-old mark.  Suddenly they seem to go from baby to toddler in seconds.  The transformation is huge for them as their language and social skills seem to blossom, but the transformation for a parent is pretty big too.

It's big for a parent because they're still young enough that you remember the long nights (and still have them from time to time), the shrieking baby-sounding cries (that still also happen but are fewer and further between), the times when you can still rock them because they still fit in your arms.  Crossing the 2-year-mark puts an end to most of these things and it's a transition I've been thinking a lot about.

In those newborn days you just feel like you're doing everything you can to survive.  With all of Olivia's reflux issues and eating problems I couldn't wait for it to be over and for our life to stabilize.  With Isabella, I appreciated every moment, despite the struggles of always having a sick baby and dealing with an impossible 3-year-old.  Every moment I've held her and rocked her and been by her side, I take in and appreciate.  But I also couldn't wait.  I couldn't wait until I could walk with her hand in hand, until her and her sister could play together, until there was less crying in the middle of the night, until she could feed herself, communicate with me, understand me, help me understand her.  Now, as we inch closer to 24 months, this is all happening.  I feel at an empass because we're about to leave the baby years behind, for good, and as exciting as it is to finally feel like a fully functioning family that is enjoying life more instead of just surviving it, I'm also deeply saddened.

Olivia was and still is a very busy, strong-willed, demanding child.  Because she was my first, we were in a constant state of motion and trying to keep her busy and challenged and the time really just passed us by.  We didn't really enjoy it.  With Isabella, she moves much slower, sits and enjoys things, can focus on them, is so much more happy with all that she has.  I feel like I don't get to enjoy her enough.  I often wonder how different life would be if she was my first.  I think about how I would have been able to slow down and enjoy her more since she is not as demanding as Olivia was.  It seems no matter how much time I spend with Isabella, I feel like it's never enough.  I feel like the days just keep ticking by faster and faster and she's getting bigger and bigger.

As we near two I leave what I can remember of her babyhood behind and even though I almost mourn that it's over, I often think about the next stage of our life.  Jeff finishing school and starting work full time, allowing us to have an income to do the things we've always wanted to do, for both the kids and for us.  Without a baby in tow it will be easier to take vacations, do fun things, do some work on the house together, snuggle in bed and watch a movie together, go to the beach, play at the park, go to the movies and just be a family.  Keeping an eye on our future is what makes it easier to leave those years in the past.

Reflections

We are a reflection of our parents and how we were raised.  As much as we say we won't be like them, we are in some or many aspects because of this reason.  When Olivia was born I never realized the challenges that would face me in not just raising her, but changing myself so I could be a better parent to her.  Our kids are a reflection of us, so how do we change those ingrained, deep things about ourselves to be better parents for them?  I don't know!

I've actually faced this challenge both professionally and personally.  The first time was 5 years ago, when I began managing people.  I'm a very understanding and empathetic person, I always want everyone to like me and I always give everyone the benefit of the doubt.  Some say these aren't great qualities in a boss because then when you have a difficult situation, you have a hard time facing it, always empathizing and giving someone the benefit of the doubt.  In most cases I would blame myself in order to not have to blame them and therefore was much harder on myself.  In this 3 year process of trying to change myself, I ended up losing myself.  It took almost 4 years for me to get myself back again.

And then toddler-hood happened and I began to face new challenges about myself on a personal level.  Olivia's been a challenge since the day she was born, but nothing could prepare me for how hard she would push me to the limits of my being (and my sanity).  This is when I started noticing all of the bad things about myself I wasn't attuned to.  Kids really, really do bring out the ugliest, fiercest, emotional, scariest parts of your being.

Here are some of the things that I didn't really know about myself until I had kids:

1.) I have a temper and when I'm pushed to the edge, I say whatever I can to get my point across and make someone else feel as bad as they're making me feel.  This anger shows itself in Olivia and Isabella when they scream and yell when things don't go their way or they are unhappy with me.
2.) I have only-child syndrome.  I can only handle so much of people or children in my face before I feel completely trapped and claustrophobic and want to put myself in a bubble where no one can touch me.
3.) Un-organization kills me.  I hate, HATE, H-A-T-E when I go to my drawer to get my chapstick, (the same place it has been for ten years) and little sticky fingers have picked it up and put it somewhere I will never find it again.  I hate when I go to get a straw to a sippy cup and it didn't get put away in the right place, so I have to spend 20 mins looking for it.  I hate that my house always looks like someone tipped it upside down.
4.) I guilt and blame.  I never realized that I always played the blaming game...something has to be someone's fault ALWAYS.  It just can't be.  And now I noticed that Olivia does it too.
5.) Stress and anxiety.  The top thing I did not want to pass onto them and I've already done it to Olivia.  This runs on both sides of our family and it's very hard (in different ways) for us not to show that we're stressed or anxious to our kids.  I've had many moments where I've gone into panic mode because I didn't know what to do and I didn't have any help and I'm sure that was a total circus for Olivia to watch.  Slowly I've been trying to catch myself during the chaos and just try and put a smile on my face and talk to her all the while freaking out inside.
6.) Saying "it's ok."  I've never done this with myself...I basically just kick myself really hard when I screw something up.  Then I feel guilty about it forever.  With the kids, I really try hard to make a point that "it's ok" that you just spilled a gallon of milk all over my clean floor because "it was an accident," or "it's ok" that you just broke one of my prized possessions that I brought back from halfway around the world because "you didn't mean to."  Sometimes I say it more to calm myself down because I'm only human and human's having feelings too.  Sometimes all we're doing is faking it in front of them just to lose our shit later.
7.)  I'm not a big player.  Sounds funny, but it's true. I'd rather sit and color and craft with the kids, snuggle with hot cocoa and watch a movie, do board games, card games, make necklaces...I'm more of the creative person I've always been.  I don't like to run around outside and play hide and seek or tag, I don't like to slide down slides or jump on trampolines, I guess that's what dad's are for!  I've always been a creative person, since I was little, and that continues even today.

These are only a few things that I've discovered about myself while parenting.  So how do I keep it together and not let those true things in myself come out when I'm exhausted, stressed, at my wits end?  How do you change what's been part of you forever so they don't become a reflection of all of the bad things about you?

On a positive (and closing) note, the one reflection of us that I am proud of is how loving these kids are.  We've always been a hugging-kissing-snuggly family and these kids are very affectionate and love with all of their hearts.  They are kind, giving, caring, compassionate, sweet and each have a heart of gold.

Fact: You don't realize you have OCD until you have kids

I never considered myself a person with OCD.  I believe in good karma, I'm a tad superstitious (yes I still need to kiss my hand and touch the ceiling when I go through a yellow light) and I do like an organized house (even though that has completely gone out the window with kids).  What I wasn't planning on is how much it would hurt my soul and make me turn into an OCD freak when my kids do the following:

1.)  Deviate from their side of the coloring book and scribble all over my BEAUTIFULLY perfected Princess Ariel drawing.
2.)  Make me cringe when not only do their socks not match, but one is a ankle length and the other knee-high.
3.)  When they reorganize all of the folders on my iPad.  They are in their perfect categories, let them be!
4.)  When they fast-forward through the best song of the movie or song.  Hey, I wanted to listen to that!
5.)  When they pull all of my clothes off my hangars in my closet.  Or their closet.  Or the coat closet.
6.)  When they mix decks of cards...keep UNO in its own box, not in the Crazy 8s box people.
7.)  Mixing up the art supplies.  It seems whenever I organize all of the little pieces, crayons, markers, glue, glitter, jiggly eyes, pipe cleaners and buttons all in their appropriate areas, they all end up together again.
8.)  Keeping your hair in the ponytail/clip/braid I put it in.  Just. Leave. It. Alone.
9.)  Move or take MY stuff.  Not much is MINE anymore, the kids have completely taken over the house.  The few things that are mine are my makeup, my hair stuff, my chapstick and my lotion.  And every day or night when I go to the specific drawers or place on the counter to find these things, half the time they have been shoplifted and taken to another room completely or just MIA.
10.)  Hand washing.  Now that doesn't mean your typical OCD where I have the need to wash my hands several times, I'm talking about them not washing their hands at all or not good enough.  Olivia has been washing her hands since she was a baby, yet it's a foreign concept to her still at 5 (and every time she steps up to the sink) that she needs to 1. Wet them 2. Put the soap on 3. Rub together until lathered and 4. Rinse.
11.)  Never make it through the end of a game or puzzle on the iPad.  I get satisfaction and closure out of finishing what I started, but kids will sometimes quit right away, halfway through or almost at the end.  It hurts me when that last puzzle piece with Mickey's ear is not secured into place before the app is shut down.
12.)  Crash my dreams of a beautiful Duplo creation.  My castle was organized with colors and blocks all fitting perfectly together...I worked so hard...and then BOOM, it comes crashing down by a 2-year-old Godzilla.
13.)  Reading books with a two-year-old.  They never let you finish a page and it makes you feel like you're not getting closure because you don't know what happened to Horton on that next page.  Did he really hear the Who?
14.)  Ruin my organization.  I tend to [try to] organize everything in a way that makes it not just look like I halfheartedly cleaned when people come over, but so things are easy to grab and see, especially in a morning rush or during a bedtime meltdown.  No matter how many times I organize the pantry so snack foods are easily within reach or organize the cups in the cupboard so the straws have quick access (because you know, every freaking lid and straw is different), by the next day, it's gone to complete shit.  With two little ones at home you don't often have your ENTIRE house clean at once, so the little victories like reorganizing one shelf of the pantry or one shelf of a cupboard are huge for me.
15.)  Dirty a clean floor.  So cliché right? We have dark floors and it works all throughout the house just fine except the kitchen.  Every food and footprint shows up and within minutes of cleaning it looks like we just had a party.  I hate dirty floors.  Hate them.  I walk on them barefoot and hate getting cheerios stuck to the bottom of them only to crunch into billions of pieces with my next step.  But it's absolutely inevitable that they cannot keep it clean for more than 15 minutes.
16.)  Not wearing a matching outfit.  My internal self cringes, but the mom in me who wants them to be whoever they want to be doesn't say a thing.  Although it is sad that the cute matching Gap shirt and skirt will never be worn together in the same sitting...
17.)  Interrupting me while I'm singing to a song in the car.  Wait...that's my favorite part, stop asking me questions!
18.)  Take a clean iPad screen and turn it into a crusted, smeared, foggy mess.  I seriously cannot clean it with enough Wet Ones to get it clean after a day in the hands of these kids.
19.)  Take my food.  Practically out of my mouth.  I'm a sharing kind of girl.  I think especially if you go somewhere new it's awesome to share food because then everyone gets a taste of something different.  I however do not like little fingers in my rice, on my plate and practically taking my chicken off my fork.  It was cute when they were littler, but now, I'm just hungry, so eat your own food and stop touching mine.
20.)  Never letting me finish a task.  Just like the puzzles or games, I get satisfaction out of completion.  For example, sitting down to edit an entire photo session and actually accomplishing that.  I have to do everything as time allows so sometimes that means it takes me 3 or 4 tries to finish something.  It drives me nuts to have all of these unfinished tasks hanging over my head and I'm not able to actually complete them!

Ok, so maybe I'm a little OCD and didn't realize it until now.  It's growth for me as a person as these kids are teaching me invaluable lessons about not being perfect, but the OCD-er in me certainly struggles at times.

The Things People Never Told Me Before I Had Kids...

When you're pregnant it seems like every person tells you the following things:

"You better rest up because you won't be sleeping again for a while!"
"It'll take you a while to fit into those pants again."
"Are you sure it's a girl because you're carrying like a boy?"

The list goes on and on.  By your 7th or 8th month you're so tired of hearing the same things and just anxious for your own little one to pop out so you guys can start your lives together.

There are two big sections to my thoughts on the things people never told me before I had kids.  The first is baby STUFF.

THE STUFF

Being a mom that now shops almost completely second-hand or clearance, I can tell you that it's something you don't think about when you're preggo.  You fill your registry with all of these glorious things you want and then suddenly the baby arrives and you a.) don't even have half of it and b.) don't end up using most of it.  My biggest take-a-way from having two newborns is that they like what they like and so all of those $25 sleepsacks you thought were awesome, the fancy baby bottles that reduce air, those pacifiers that have cute little sayings on them...your kid just may not like them.  So then you starting buying bottles and sippy cups and different pajamas and everything else until your checking account has run dry, all to keep them happy.  This also includes diapers.  Some people swore to me Huggies were the best, some people swore Pampers, and other people said "hey the Costco brand is great!"  What I didn't realize is it's about what works for every child.  Case in point, Olivia was a preemie and had TINY legs.  So Huggies did not work for her, they always, always, ALWAYS leaked because they didn't snug her legs enough.  She wore strictly Pampers until she switched to pull-ups at around 2.5.  Isabella on the other hand was a normal sized baby.  I went back to Pampers Swaddlers and when I realized she wasn't leaking at all, I switched to Huggies because they're cheaper.

Strollers and car seats...holy moly.  When Olivia was born everyone had the simple Graco Travel System.  No biggie right?  Not that expensive right?  Great!  Registered, bought, done.  Except I ended up hating that stroller and it continues to collect dust at my mother-in-laws house.  It's horrible for everything but storage (the storage is great).  When I bought a double stroller I read the reviews, did my research and sure enough, it got used 4 times before I sold it and got myself another single stroller.  I now have sold two strollers and bought two City Mini Singles because they work with exercising, Disneyland, day trips, mall trips, everything.  And I got them both used for an amazing price.  Car seats...between two sets of grandparents and us it's a total of 8 car seats.  You've got that right, 8!  Only one is a booster because after I bought the booster, that's when I found out she should be in a five point until she's pretty much graduating from high school!  Kidding...sorta...  Anyway, these are things you slowly find out as you become friends with other mommies and as word spreads on social media like fire.  But things I wish I would have known before I invested and reinvested and invested again in something.

Back to buying things second-hand.  I just got a $400 car seat for $55 that will last Olivia and Isabella until the year 2020.  Yep you've got that right...I WILL BE 40 THEN.  And the sad part?  Because I'm looking for 5-point car seats that will accommodate their height and weight until they're probably 8 or 9 years old, I still have 3 more to buy to replace the ones I bought because I didn't know any different.  These are the things I wish someone would have told me before I had kids!

I've learned that some things work for your family and some things don't and because we don't all have the income or convenience to just go and buy something that works better for our situation, I do a lot of buying and selling of my items with other moms.

Next up, THE KIDS

People tell you when you're pregnant that you're never going to sleep again.  In the uncomfortable, exhausted pregnancy state you smile it off thinking "well it's only the first few months and then it'll get it better."  Right and wrong (sorry new moms).  The newborn state is a beast in its own.  It was really bad with Olivia but worse with Isabella because Jeff was working 24 hour shifts, so I was the sole caretaker of her night and day.  Getting up every 2-3 hours to feed for a half hour and then spend 15 more mins to put her down, then spend another 15 mins falling back asleep and then waking up an hour later to do it all over again.  You reach depths of exhaustion you will never ever understand until you do it.  The whole mantra of "sleep when the baby is sleeping" is honestly BULLSHIT.  It only works if you literally do not want to cook a decent meal, do some laundry, grocery shop, buy all of the crap the baby has changed his or her mind about (diapers, bottles, etc.) and make sure your house is clean enough to at least not be declared condemned by the city.  All of those people who said they were going to come by and help and visit, usually don't.  They want to give you space and within a couple weeks you are literally begging people to come over because you're going crazy.

After the newborn phase it's not much better.  First up it's sleep training so you can get them to sleep through the night without waking up so you can.  Then comes teeth which will wake them up frequently.  Snotty noses, vomit, diarrhea, bad coughs...yeah you pretty much don't get sleep until they're 3 and the teeth have come in, in which then you will have nightmares, more vomiting and plenty of stalling for them not to sleep.  And if you're unlucky they will come try and sleep with you at night.  And they move.  A lot.  And put a knee in your spine.  And smash your right boob.

And then they wake up early.  Really...freaking...early.  Be prepared to not sleep past 6 for a while and then 7 and maybe if you're lucky by the time they're 4 they'll sleep in til 7:30.  Seems late, except for the fact that you don't go to bed at 7:30 or 8, so you're tired from your Netflix marathon the night before.  Your sleep will never be yours again because even once they're lazy teenagers, you'll be up waiting for them to come home in time for curfew and wondering if they've been in an accident or who they're with.  No one prepared me for loss of sleep past the newborn phase.  Being a person that values my sleep A LOT, this is vital information.

The way kids push you to the brink of insanity is something I was never prepared for.  Having to ask 600 times to go brush your teeth and they still don't listen to you.  The fact that they were two steps from the toilet but still peed on the carpet because they've been holding it for 6 hours and would yell at you for even daring to ask the question "do you have to go potty?"  The arguing, the talking back, the timeouts that usually don't work, the way you have to teach them to be respectful to you and that you are allowed to tell them "NO!" but they cannot tell you that...the hitting, the biting, the licking, the fighting...none of this was I prepared for.  I was only prepared for tantrums.  And I'm talking 2-year-old tantrums I was prepped for.  4-year-old tantrums?  That's a whole new level of crazy.  The grating of the screams and the cries on you and your psyche is enough to make you run to the bedroom and scream into your own pillow.

And the next thing I wasn't prepared for and was the whole reasoning behind me thinking about writing this post...SIBLINGS.

I am an only child and never had the pleasure of sharing with a brother or sister.  It was all mine.  I didn't have to fight to be heard or get what I wanted.

When Isabella was born, despite the exhaustion of having two kids that sometimes wake up (all night) in the middle of the night and despite the constant illnesses the older one would bring home and give to the baby, I thought it wasn't so bad.  Tiring.  Busy.  Yeah.

Now the baby is turning toddler.  Full on melt-downs, fighting, pushing, yelling (you know, all of those awesome things her sister taught her...way earlier than she even learned them btw), screaming, fighting over Mommy, "MINE! MINE! MIIIIIIIINE!!!"  We are at a whole new level of parenthood.  My BFF had warned me about siblings fighting, so I already knew we were going to have issues with sharing and the whole nine yards.  I wasn't prepared for how much they would bounce off of each other to make things ten times crazier than they already were and to drain me of every ounce of energy and emotional stability I have.  Take them apart and you can handle one, but put them together and they are a force to be reckoned with!  They feed off of each other until the energy is so intense, both Jeff and I feel outnumbered, even though we're not.  We often just collapse on the floor or bed and let them run circles around us because we just don't have the energy anymore.  The only thing I can hope for in any given day is that they don't kill each other or get hurt in the process.

All-in-all would it have mattered if someone told me all of this (and more) before I had kids?  No.  Would I still have had them?  Yes.  But would knowing some of this change things?  Yes.  I would have bought different things so I didn't have to buy and sell so much and I may have had Isabella when Olivia was a little older.  The spacing between them is good because we didn't have double diapers, double cribs, double tuition to preschool, etc. etc. but I am now thinking it would have been better if Olivia was older.  Her being more mature for a sibling would have been key and would have kept us more sane.

Another random thing you can thank me for later...Don't buy toys with small parts - they end up everywhere and separated from their original mother ship and you will never be able to put it back together the way it came in the package. :-)

If My Second Was My First

I've been thinking about this topic for a while...if my second child was actually my first.  Would I have had another?  Would I have had more than two?  Would she have turned out different?  Would the original first turned out different being that she was the second and no longer spoiled rotten for 3 years previously...?

It's my opinion that Olivia has never been a normal baby or child.  We did not have the "normal" birth experience because she was 6 weeks early and spent her first week of life in the NICU.  She developed SEVERE infant GERD at 10 days old and lived with it (and on the meds) her first year of life.  From the day she was born she had a hard time eating and at one point had a feeding tube.  The day she came home she only ate 15-20cc of formula at a time.  She couldn't latch, she didn't fit into any of her clothes and she didn't even have her "newborn" pictures until she was 2.5 months old.  She never wanted to be in a swing, a carseat, swaddled, dressed, diapered or anything in the world touching her but us.  She couldn't sleep on her back because of her reflux so we ended up co-sleeping until she was old enough to semi-safely sleep on her tummy.

She was a very VERY demanding baby.  Very needy in every way.  She would never sit and play and explore on her own and when she did she was onto the next toy or book in about 3.5 seconds.  No amount of toys would ever keep her busy and she couldn't even sit through a whole episode of Mickey Mouse Clubhouse until she was 2.5 years old.  From the moment she realized there was more to life than sleeping, eating and pooping she was BUSY.  Never wanted to miss a moment, quitting naps pretty much by the time she was 2.5, always asking where are we going...she would actually cry when she realized we were going home from running errands because it was boring at home...she needed MORE.  She's VERY strong willed, very stubborn and very STRONG.

She will be 5 years old in less than 3 weeks and she is still this way.  Constantly craving something to do, always busy, always on the go and now that there's a sibling beside her competing for our attention, this has made all of the little nuances about her even more extreme.

Enter in Isabella.  Her birth experience was normal and quick despite a turbulent pregnancy.  She was born at 38 weeks, completely healthy and ready to eat my finger off from the minute she came out of the womb.  Her first meal was more than Olivia ate at 10 days old.  When she's hungry...girl is hungry...keep out of her way.

Isabella was hospitalized at 3 weeks old for what they thought was RSV and Pneumonia.  A spinal tap, several blood tests and a breathing tube later they basically just called it a bad cold.  She spent 6 days (a lucky number for us in the hospital apparently) in the Pediatric ward of Kaiser until she could breath better and her oxygen levels had returned.  Despite her being sick A LOT her first year (thanks to her older sister) and sick periodically well into her second, my experience as her mom has been more what I would call "normal."

Isabella will sit and play quietly with a toy for long periods of time.  She was able to watch "Frozen" all the way through well before 18 months and can watch whole TV shows without moving.  She is way more independent, is enjoyable to shop with (because she will actually stay in the stroller) and she is very easy going about going out or coming home...just rolls with the punches. Outside she always finds something to do, never requires constant entertainment.  She's happy just sitting with me and "talking" in our own way.  She loves her sister something fierce and her kitty, Belle, in which at 20 months she calls "Bewle."

I often think about what if Isabella was born first?  I see blogs and Facebook posts about all of these parents who think parenting is just super awesome and their kids seem like angels and I think "what did I miss out on with my first?"  I was too busy keeping Olivia so busy that I didn't enjoy any of her time as a baby.  I hated it.  And I hated it more when she became a toddler.  And now at almost 5 I just don't even know how I'm going to handle the teenage years because this girl is a force to be reckoned with.

If Isabella was born first would I have strolled hand-in-hand with her through stores and at the beach and actually enjoyed our days together?  Or as an only child would she have been just as strong-willed and busy as Liv?  Could I have had more time to enjoy the baby years instead of being in such a rush for her to grow up and get out of the crappy phase she was in?  Is their personality that innate in them that no matter who was born first, it would have turned out the same?

I also now see Olivia teaching Isabella things that Olivia didn't know until she started preschool.  Could I have had my sweet, loving Bella a little longer without her screaming "NO" and me dragging her down the hall just to get her diaper changed?  Is it her, is it her personality or is it her sister teaching her that?

I don't have an answer, I just wonder if things would be different.  If I had two children like Isabella would I have wanted a third?  Olivia was enough for us but I wanted two because I was the only child and I wanted to experience a more "normal" baby experience if it was at all possible.

It's really fascinating to me how certain things with us are there from the day we are born.  My kids both have things about them that still remind me of when they were babies.  I wish I could go back in time with each of them and spend a day with them without any other distractions and appreciate more how small they were and how simple life was.

To the parent's of the sick kid at my daughter's school

To parent's of the sick kid at my daughter's school,

I know it's hard to find someone to watch your kids when they are sick and you have to work.  That should however, BE YOU.  You sent your kid to school sick and in turn got my kid sick.  She then comes home and gets her little sister and me sick.  This is the billionth time I've been sick in the past 18 months and now I have to miss work because YOU sent your kid to school sick so YOU didn't have to miss work.

May I also mention to you the insane amount of money I spend on Dimetapp, VITAMINS, cough drops, Vicks, Mucinex, Advil cold and sinus, VITAMINS, tea, fruits & vegetables for juicing and more VITAMINS every time we all get sick, not to mention that I have to now include in my daily regimen to prevent getting sick even more (if that's possible).

Kid, I know who you are.  The new boy, I don't know your name yet, but last Wednesday I saw you with snot dripping down your face into your mouth as you ran around my daughter's Pre-K room.  How many other kids did you get sick that day?

Thank you also for interfering with our personal plans.  I have an appointment I'll have to reschedule so I don't get other people sick, because I actually have consideration for that.  I also have to put off two personal projects that were important for me to take care of this week.  I get to spend my next three days in the haze of Mucinex and Advil Cold and Sinus whilst laying in bed with a laptop propped up on belly, all the while you are out with your kids enjoying the sun and actually able to make it to your appointments and finish your personal projects.

Cheers to you, parent who sent your kid to school sick, I hope you were able to accomplish all you wanted to while you sent your kid to infect a whole classroom of 4-year-olds and their families too.

My Weight Battle

I've been wanting to write this post for a long time, but wasn't sure exactly what to say.  This morning as I was getting ready and battling the demons in my head if I should return to Weight Watchers today, I decided it's a good time to write out some thoughts.

As far back as I can remember I've been battling with my weight.  I could blame a lot of things from genetics to what we just didn't know about food 20 years ago, but that's useless now.  The fact that it's been a battle for pretty much my whole life is what leads me to now.

Now, in my early 30s, married, with two children and a life that never stops, I wonder is it really worth it to get back into my old jeans?  I eat healthy, these days 90% vegetarian, I exercise, I am good about including fruits, whole grains and mostly foods without any additives or chemicals in them.  My husband loves me for me, my kids don't see fat or skinny, they just see Mommy.  And at this point in my life a glass of wine 5 nights a week is something I enjoy, regardless of the carbs and calories that come with it.  So as long as things that are going in my body are healthy and I have a healthy lifestyle, why worry how much I weigh?  Is it my perception when I look in the mirror?  Is it the perception of others?  Of the media?  I wish I knew the answer to these questions...

I wish that I could magically be one of those curvier girls totally proud of how I look.  I wish I could be one of those moms blogging posts about my stretch marks and everything kids have done to my body and stating how beautiful it is.  I agree with these people, but unfortunately the demons within me don't allow me to be proud of that about my own body.  I look at others and think they're beautiful, I look at myself and find every inch of something wrong with me.

Let's talk a little bit about the actual food.  I LOVE FOOD.  In our house, with our families and with most of our friends, FOOD = HAPPINESS.  I love trying new foods at home or while traveling.  I love the happiness that being with a large group of people and just sharing a great meal brings.  Gossiping with some girlfriends having a few drinks and of course a great meal is my idea of an awesome night out.  I love introducing my kids to new foods and foods from my childhood.  Food is social.  Food is experiencing different cultures.  The textures, the taste, they all define good food.  Food is what makes a regular party a great party.

Now that we've established many of the reasons I love food, let's talk about the demons again.  Every piece of food and every ounce of liquid that goes in my body I have some sort of thought about.  Mostly guilt.  I beat myself up over splurging.  I enjoy food but instantly feel remorse, regret, hatred.  I have no will power so I struggle going places with people who get to eat whatever they want while I order a plain salad with the dressing on the side.  I am also not one of those people who "forgets" to eat.  Who just sees food as another task in the day.  Who can only take one small spoonful and then be full.

So what am I going to do about all of this?  I actually wish I had the answer to that.  Unfortunately at this point in my life a lot of these thoughts are ingrained into my personality, so changing them is hard.  For today, for now, I think I will go back to Weight Watchers today and travel down the counting and measuring path again.  At some point I'll hopefully fit back into some older pants and not look in the mirror and see as many things to nitpick so I can have a balance of a healthier weight with a healthier lifestyle.  Knowing how much of a battle this has been my whole life, I know it'll continue to be a battle for the rest of my life...

Working Mom

There's been so many articles circulating on my Mommy sites about Working Moms vs. Stay at Home Moms. I don't get why people argue which is better and bicker back and forth about who works harder. My take on it is slightly different. Currently, and for the last 10 years, I am the breadwinner in our family. In the last 5 years I am the only one with an income while my husband is in his final year of school trying to build a better career for himself and a more stable life for our family. Because of this, there has never been a question of "if" I could be a stay at home mom.

 My theory isn't that one or the other is better, my theory is some people are cut out for one or the other. It's a job in itself and just like I'm good at my job, a SAHM is equally good at her job. For as long as I can remember I didn't want to be in school, I wanted to work. I'm good at working, I like working, I like being surrounded by awesome people and working for a great company. I'm good at it. I am not so good at being a stay at home mom. I love spending time with my kids, but I lack the patience you need to be able to deal with kids for 12-13 hours a day. I could never do what a stay at home mom does and I feel like their jobs are thankless.

Just because I work doesn't mean I don't suffer from some of the SAHM woes. I know how it feels to clean for hours and it looks as if you've done nothing. I know how it feels to be ENDLESSLY exhausted whether you have a newborn, toddler or child. I know how it feels to just want to walk out of your house and scream at the top of your lungs from the insanity of just trying to get your 4-year-old dressed. I know how it feels to always be behind on school activities and events (my kid wore sweatpants on picture day). I'm the mom who pays all of the bills, makes the grocery lists, makes all of the doctors and dentists appointments, organizes the kids closets and clothes and many other things, including running my own side business. The point being that even though I'm a working mom, I'm still involved like a stay at home mom. My job allows me to be flexible to make it to special events, appointments or to just stay home when one of my kids aren't feeling well.

My kids don't love me any less for being a working mom. They may not understand it at this point in their young lives, but one day they will. I always understood that my parents had to work so we could have money for groceries and for living. I was a latchkey kid, part of carpools, hung out at friend's houses after school. I never thought my parents loved me any less. If anything it taught me that you have to work hard to support your family. What I've come to realize is some people believe that being a working mom means you don't love your children, but in reality, being able to provide them with food, shelter and fun things to do is how I love and take care of them.

*Side note: This goes for stay-at-home Dads too. :-)

The Season of Giving or Guilt?

This week I've been overwhelmed by so many people who have given to me and my children for this Holiday season. So many surprises like a gift card to take Olivia to see a movie, handmade jewelry, a handmade chalkboard serving tray I've been wanting, yummy homemade treats...the list goes on and on.

Not only is it the season of GIVING, but it's also the season of GUILT.  Yes, guilt over eating and gaining the few pounds back I just lost, but also the guilt of not being able to buy for everyone, especially everyone that gives to us.  As I've mentioned in previous posts this is Jeff's 5th Christmas not working full time so he can finish school and pursue a better career and a life that will afford us to save for our retirement and put our children through school.  Every year I've had to get creative with my time and my budget to make sure that at least our family (parents/grandparents/aunts, etc.) are able to open something on Christmas day and also that it's something special.  We're typically not able to give them more than 1 or 2 things and because of this I also cannot buy for my friends.

Who has "Giving Guilt?"  What does that even mean?  For me it means the act of feeling guilty when someone gifts to me or my family but I cannot give to them.  Based on my past experience with certain people who've been in and out of my life, there are certain individuals who actually DO expect a gift in return when they give to you.  They apparently also think money grows on trees and since they have some and have never struggled, it doesn't even occur to them that others may not be as fortunate as they are.  I'm sure Santa can also deliver a Unicorn if you want one bad enough.

So what does the Holiday Season mean to me besides the added pounds on my hips and the guilt of not being able to give?  The Holidays for me are a time to step away from our every day routines and just spend time with the people we love.  For my family that usually includes a lot of yummy foods, alcohol, traditions new and old, lots of pictures, quite a few movies and LOTS of laughter.  I grew up spending every Christmas Eve with a big family with lots of great food and laughter and these are the traditions I'll be passing onto my children.

I spoke to a close friend and even if she doesn't know it yet, a mentor. She simply told me that all that matters "is that you love people and yourself. There is no price tag...there is no amount of anything in this world that compares. You have to remember that the person gifting is gifting themselves just by the act alone. People never know how much you care until you show them how much [and] that doesn't come in form of a gift...It shows in actions...in loyalty...in truth."

She's right. If someone is going to get hung up on the fact that I can't give a gift back to them, then are they really worth it? Sometimes with people in our life we don't have a choice to write them off, they could be family or people you work closely with, but maybe you just don't invest any more in that relationship if this is their attitude.

Will this stop me from feeling guilty next year? I don't know. But I do know that I don't feel worthy of all of these gifts so I will work extra hard next year to be the best person I can be to show these people that all year long I have something to give back.

Happy Holidays from all of us to you.

Narcissism

I feel like it wasn't until my 30s when I could sort through the personalities I often (or sometimes not-so-often) interact with in life. I really thought everything was more black and white and that every person was a good person inside. If they weren't being a good person to me then maybe they were just having a tough time, or maybe they just didn't like ME and I was the common factor. With some people it's taken me years to figure out the root of why they are the way they are and in the end, stop blaming myself.

As long as I can remember I always wanted people to like me. Ultimately it's the driving factor in why I still talk to people I don't care for, but it's also the reason why I strive to be the best of the best. I want people to like my [photography] work, so I am careful with detail and make sure everything's perfect before delivery. I want people to like the quality of work I put out at my day-job and to know I'm reliable and a hard worker. But I also want people to like me in my personal life. I strive hard to be the friend I would like to have for myself. Someone who is reliable (not flaky), someone who can be there when it's a tough time, but also there to be silly and have fun times. I know what it feels like to have people leave you all alone when you really just need someone to talk to. I think this empathetic personality has also brought myself and some people closer.

Because I strive to be this way, it's been hard for me to understand the concept of people who are all about themselves. In fact I didn't even know it existed really until recently. And with this I don't mean people who look in the mirror and say "I look awesome." I'm talking about people who have no regard or care for others because they can't see past themselves; AKA a Narcissist. Unfortunately most narcissists (actually probably all) don't know that they are this way. They don't see themselves as the common denominator and believe it has to be the people around them. They are not self-sacrificing, they don't understand that everyone has different circumstances in their job...in their life...whatever it may be. They only see how it effects them. Wikipedia states one of the traits as the "inability to view the world from the perspective of other people." Makes sense because that's how I live my life at least 90% of the time.

Unfortunately because I'm empathetic, people who are narcissists are successful in making me feel guilty and are able to convince me to do things (like spend money I don't have) to keep them happy. It's hard to be honest with a narcissist because they don't see why it just can't be their way. That definitely goes along another trait Wikipedia lists: "using other people without considering the cost of doing so." You can't always assume that other people are in the same position as you. Being kind, be caring and also be courteous...think of someone else besides YOURSELF and what you want. If we all got what we wanted and every decision that was made in life was ours, then what the hell are we working for? Why do we have friends and family?

The other thing I've noticed about some narcissists is that they're FAKE. They like things to be for "show" and not for real. They'd rather pretend that everything is perfect than actually deal with the issues at hand. They blame others instead of just owning their mistakes. They don't like when people question them or have another idea that is not theirs, so they will in turn hate you and think every little thing you do is malicious. They are flattered by people who reaffirm them and stick close to those people so it feeds into their ego. Wiki again: "Flattery towards people who admire and affirm them." Why hang around people who know your game and don't let you always do what you want, when you can go hang with someone who always tells you how awesome you are? You can NEVER question a narcissist because even if you're using the nicest, sweetest voice/text/email, they will still see it as questioning their being. How dare you question them?

It is interesting though. Some of these people do ask me how I am doing, what's going on in my life, my business, my work. Whether they're actually listening and interested I'm not sure...they could just be fake. But that's fine. What gets me is spending time with someone who never asks me how I'm doing. Granted my life is far from exciting but it gets old being the person who has to ask all of the questions. Some of the narcissistic people I've met I also get a sense of "entitlement" oozing from their self-centered soul. I think the entitlement is also the recognition and admiration they strive for. They are selfish: "I did this for you, now what are you going to do for me?" Whereas I believe in the golden rule of doing unto others as you would have others do unto you. Relationships are 50/50 but in times of tragedy, grief, stress, etc. the ratio may change for a bit and then go back to 50/50.

The reason for this post...well...there's many...but one of them being that it's holiday time it reminded me of how gifts are very important for some people and not so much for others. That constant pressure of getting out holiday cards, making sure I've gotten gifts for everyone, making sure it all arrives or is wrapped and ready on time...it's horrible. This will be our 5th Christmas with Jeff not employed full-time. The expectation (sometimes from the narcissistic people) is that I will still have a gift for them. Why? Because they love getting gifts and to not send a gift means you don't care. What they really don't know is, I don't want or need a gift either. I just don't understand this cycle of "I'm going to get you a gift, so you get me one." What's the point? I don't measure how much people care about me from a card or a gift. I measure it by the good times we have together, the laughter we share, how much you care for my children and show them love...how much you love me even though my house is a mess and my kids are screaming their heads off...how you don't care that I need to eat dinner by 7 because I have to go to bed by 11 to get up with the kids...the fact that wine and takeout is a perfectly acceptable night because it's cheap and fun...the fact that you tell me thank you when I cook for you, drive you somewhere, help YOU out too... There's an ecard going around online that says that true friends/family you don't need to talk to all the time, you just pick up where you left off last time and that could be a year or two later. I completely agree.

I have much more to say about this but I'm going to end it here. My budget is blown and I have tons of responsibilities to tend to tonight, but it's one of my good friend's birthdays and I'm going to put that aside to be there for her and take her out to dinner. She's been there for me time and time again and loves me and my family no matter what circumstances we're under. It's my turn to be there for her and celebrate her.

Cheers, Meg

Wikipedia References

Perfectionism: A blessing or a curse?

I've often wondered if the OCD Perfectionist in me is the reason why I've always been drawn to photography. Photography is a work of art and just like musicians feel like they could have played or sung a lyric better, and actors feel they could have read a line better, photographers often feel like every shot could have been better. Or at least most of them.

Every day we often feel less than who we are "supposed" to be. Who sets these expectations for us? Other people. I have this constant battle of being less than perfect, especially when it comes to parenting. I swore my kids would eat all-organic, never watch too much Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, would never eat a ton of sweets...and all of that completely went to hell once I realized how hard (and how expensive) it is to raise children while working full time and also being a wife, friend, daughter, etc. And somewhere along the way I lost myself and in the past 5 years I've taken a journey to find myself again, but in that process I had to accept that I'm not perfect.

It's hard accepting that you're not perfect when you feel like every day you're surrounded by perfect people who just ooze their awesomeness. This includes comparing yourself to very seasoned photographers, even though you know you shouldn't be, because frankly, everyone had to start somewhere. When I learn something new or strive to get better at something I've been doing for a while, I always want to be the best of the best and I'm hard on myself when I'm not. It often makes me feel like I've failed. Especially since your customer is expecting great results for the amount of money they've paid.

From a shoot I did this past weekend
So when it comes to Photography, is Perfectionism a Blessing or a Curse? How long do you spend touching up the most minute defect on a photo? How long do you kick yourself because that perfect smile came out just a little blurry? The answer is I don't know. I guess more importantly is that I've found something that I feel like I can say I'm good at that actually allows me to use this curse of perfectionism as a blessing.

Meg

Four Years (another kid, a new house and the startup of my business) Later

I can't believe it's been 4 years since I sat here and wrote a post. My passion for writing had been non-stop since I was 19 until the beauty and challenges of parenthood took over every aspect of my life. I once wrote, read books, watched movies and slept 9 hours a night (11 on weekends). Now? Not so much. Actually, not at all.

Four years later we have another beautiful daughter, Isabella, and she will be turning 1 year old tomorrow. Her pregnancy was rough because I was high risk (as most of you know since Olivia was almost 6 weeks early). Her first few months were rough too including one trip to the ER and 6 days in the hospital because she caught one of Olivia's colds at 3 weeks old.

One year later I'm working on building my photography career, maintaining my current career as a Business Analyst and also being a full time Mommy, Daughter and Wife. Juggling these days seems more like I'm just surviving. Each day passes so quickly and this year has flown by quicker than any other in my life.

About a year ago when Jeff got accepted to nursing school I realized that when he reaches his goal and we're finally financially stable, I need to figure out what I want to do with the rest of my life. Of course I'd be happy to stay where I'm currently working (if they want me) but I didn't spend all of those years in school to be a Business Analyst. At this point a year ago I decided to set myself a 10 year goal of finally running a photography business out of my home.

About 7 months ago I decided to just start photographing people, really, for the first time in my life. Honestly my passion is travel and landscape photography, but not many married-mom's-of-2 can make a career out of traveling for a living. Sure, I'd taken pictures of people before, but it was in passing and I hadn't really tried. In my opinion portrait photography is one of the hardest because you have to deal with lighting and shadows, which is challenging when you don't quite have the money to build a business yet.

Because I learn very well visually and from trial and error I just decided to start studying photographs on Pinterest and then practicing on my kids and anyone else who wanted to be my guinea pig. Since April I've already done 8 successful shoots for several friends. Each time I've learned something different with shooting or with editing. I'm beginning to get more comfortable as people are happy with the results. My portfolio used to just include Macro, Landscape and Travel Photography and it now also includes...Maternity, Birth, Newborn, Family and Headshots. Not bad for less than a year of work.

My next steps for the end of 2013 and for 2014 and beyond?

1.) Begin blogging again (check!)
2.) Launch a website
3.) Book more clients
4.) Get an indoor lighting "kit"
5.) Get a backdrop stand


...beyond...


1.) Get a bigger, better, faster, clearer computer (iMac)
2.) Turn the baby's room into my office


I look forward to sharing my journey with you!
- Meg

PS. A shout-out to Chanel for letting me know at least one person read my blog posts. I knew I needed to get going again for not only my career, but ME, and you've kicked my butt into gear. xoxo.

9 weeks, 6 days...

Our long road with infant reflux is continuing. She started to show a very very slight improvement on the Prilosec, but shortly after we went to see the GI Specialist. He decided to move her to 10mgs (5mgs 2times daily) of Prevacid solutabs and ordered an endoscopy to look at her esophagus. We started the Prevacid on October 8th and went in for the endoscopy on October 9th. The endoscopy showed severe thrush (yeast) on her throat, esophagus and stomach, which would explain why she was screaming through every feeding from pain. We started 1ml of Nystatin plus a cheek swab 4 times per day on October 9th. By October 10th when we went to the pumpkin patch, we were already seeing improvement from the Prevacid. Each subsequent day we saw more and more improvement including her first smile (October 11th), giggle, coo and signs of her noticing every color and light near or around her. She started looking and studying us, doing well in her car seat, bouncer and swing and even laid in her crib for the first time for about an hour. By October 14th you could hardly tell she even had reflux anymore. That night we put her in her room in her swing to sleep the night by herself (instead of on us) for the first time. She made it from 10 - 6am (with feedings included) by herself. It seemed going into the weekend and my birthday that we were on the road to recovery and ready to finally start our lives together as a happy healthy family.

On my 29th bday we started giving her half of her bottles with the powder version of Good Start and half still the ready-to-feed. That night she even slept from 11 - 5a without waking up (in her swing too!) which was huge for her. All seemed to be going well until Sunday night, the 18th, when she started having flare ups. Flare ups are common with reflux babies so I didn't think anything of it until it progressively got worse. Her quiet long nights in her swing were no longer and she kept grunting and groaning in pain.

Today is October 20th and it's only about 10 days later than our first great day at the Pumpkin patch and we are now right back at the starting line where we were about 2 weeks ago. At 3am last night I moved her back to all ready-to-feed formula fearing that she was just not handling the change to the powder well. I wish it was that simple, but if she wasn't handling the powder well, then why did it take her over 48 hours to have reflux symptoms associated with it? I've been told her dose of Prevacid is too low for her age and weight, but why did it work for a week and then just stop? She couldn't have gained more than an ounce or two in 1 week, so it can't be her weight. I've put in an email to her GI doc and I'm waiting to hear back about where we go from here.

At her last doctor's appointment on 10/12 when she got her 2 month shots she weighed 8lbs, 9.8oz and was 20 and 3/4 inches long. Her hair seems to be getting lighter and her eyebrows and eyelashes are now fully in. She's laughed twice (in my presence), smiles, coos, and loves to watch TV (baby Einstein, cartoons) and the ceiling fan. She sometimes reacts to being tickled and loves Elliott the elephant and another blue elephant she has that remains nameless. She's also really entertained by her baby Einstein gym. She lifts her head and holds it up for at least a few seconds. She gets frustrated because she wants to crawl, flip, move, but can only slide herself up.
Aside from the reflux her biggest issue is with burping. She doesn't eat as much as she wants to because we can't get her to burp. Then she continually gets hungry 1.5-2.5 hours later. We've tried many "holds" to get her to burp and sometimes they work, but most of the time they don't. Plus it's not good to move a reflux baby all over the place because it just causes flare ups. So depending on the feeding she's eating anywhere from 2 - 4oz, but hovers mostly around 3. Some late night feedings when she's sleepy and doesn't feel good she will take as little as 1.5 and every once in a while has a spike and eats 4.5. About once a day she goes 4 hours between a feeding, but pretty much still sticks to the every 3 hour rule. On October 17th she ate the most she ever has, 5.5oz.

She's finally comfortably fitting into her 0-3 month outfits. Bye-bye newborn clothes and diapers! She still hates her infant seat but as of last week when she was her happiest she could tolerate her bouncer for about 20-30 mins. She didn't like sleeping in her crib but I suspect it's because she can't be on her back (she just gets herself all upset and ends up sliding down off of the wedge we have in there to help her). We were going to try crib sleep training again in another couple of weeks, but with her condition taking a downturn, we've obviously decided to wait. And finally, she likes taking a bath! She's made it through the past 3 baths without crying or screaming!

So that's where we are now at 10 weeks!

7 weeks, 3 days old...

It's been a rough five weeks for Olivia and us. At three weeks, right around the first of September, we started noticing that she was having issues associated with spit up that didn't seem normal. On the second of September we had an appointment with the pediatrician and Olivia had jumped from 4lbs, 8oz to 5lbs, 4oz, so the doc had us take her off of Similac Neosure (which she'd been on for preemie weight gain). We continued to use it for a couple of days to finish off the bottles we had and by the last night on it she was projectile spitting up at least 2 tablespoons full. The next day we switched to Similac Advance Early Shield (to provide her with the immunities she needed for being a preemie) and we also put her on Gripe Water. It seemed a little better, but it seemed like she was still having some issues. I called the advice nurse and they told me what she was experiencing was normal. We continued on the Early Shield until she was 5 weeks, 1 days old. The Early Shield began giving her horrible gas to the point where she was up screaming most of the night. The gas drops and tummy massages didn't seem to help, so we moved her to the Enfamil Gentlease powder. One bottle down her gas was completely gone, but suddenly the spit up issue got worse. And she wasn't even really spitting up, but the spit up would make it into her throat and then it sounded like she was swallowing it back. At her 1 month follow-up with the pediatrician on September 18th I brought up that she seemed to be having issues and the doc recommended Enfamil AR or Nutramigen. The Nutramigen was so expensive we went with the AR but had to blend it with the Gentlease so her gas wouldn't come back. It seemed to work okay, but her symptoms persisted and the AR also gave her horrible constipation. She began screaming every time she had to go to the bathroom. We added 1 tsp of Kara Syrup (3x daily) and some water (1-2 times daily) to help with the constipation (it worked ok).
At this point I began doing more reading online and started noticing that a lot of things she did were actually symptoms of Infant Acid Reflux (Gastroesophageal Reflux Disease or GER/GERD) and not just normal baby noises. Her grunting, groaning, arching of the back, red squished up face, coughing, choking, gagging, extending her tongue in and out of her mouth, frequent hiccups (wet)...all are symptoms. As the days went on and she got used to the formula, her symptoms seemed to worsen. She went from making noises throughout the night and then falling back into a deep sleep, to choking on her spit up and swallowing it back down all throughout the night. At just after 6 weeks old she began sleeping on me most of the night. At this point we'd been feeding her upright and making her sleep upright for at least 2 weeks and we weren't sure what else we could do. I called the doctor and she called in a prescription for Cimetidine (0.3ml every 6 hours) but told me it was Prilosec. For a week I thought she was on Prilosec and was dissappointed that it wasn't working. At 6.5 weeks we switched her to Similac Alimentum to see if it was possibly an allergy or something in the formula she was sensitive too, but she didn't take well to it and her symptoms became more severe. However we did blend it for a day with the AR and she did great and then took a turn for the worse. I called after she'd been on the Cimetidine for 5 days and we hadn't seen any results and all the doctor did for us was up the dose by 0.1ml. Tired, frustrated and unsure what to do I called and requested to see another doctor.
On September 29th at 6 weeks, 6 days old Dr. Gereb was a welcome change. She really wanted to help and was willing to work with us to get her better. She told us to discontinue the Alimentum and AR and to put her on Gentlease with rice cereal and prescribed us Reglan (0.4ml every 4 hours) to take with the Cimetidine. She also told us to use Miralax 1-2 times a day (1/4 tsp) to help with her constipation (brought on by the AR formula). Within a half hour of her first dose of the Reglan she seemed to be so much better, but by 11pm that night, the side effects we'd been warned about started happening. She started flailing around and freaking out like she was hopped up on coffee. I went on to do further reading and found out that Reglan has been black boxed by the FDA for all of the permanent effects it has on kids (specifically involuntary movements - like flailing around) and there was pending litigation against the drug. After two doses we pulled her off. On just the rice cereal and Gentlease Olivia had the worst two days of her life. She hated the rice cereal, didn't want to drink it, and it was a nightmare to get out of the bottle (it clumped so bad we needed 6mo+ nipples). I pulled her off the rice cereal only 36 hours after she'd started it, began giving her the AR and Gentlease blend again and left the doc 3 emails.
At this point I started becoming a familiar "face" on the Reflux Rebels message board on babycenter.com. What a life saver these moms are! They have one or more children with GERD and all other related diseases (MSPI, colic) and seem to know more than both of Olivia's doctor's know about GERD, medications, etc.
The doc called me first thing in the morning and told me to take her off the cereal (already done) and the Cimetidine (useless anyways) and to keep her on the AR blend with the Gentlease and that we'd move her to Prilosec (compounded, 0.9ml 2x daily). I posted on my message board and was quickly told that the AR formula shouldn't be given with the Prilosec because it breaks down the drug. Nestle Good Start formula is what was recommended with the Prilosec. So at 7 weeks, 1 day she began Good Start Gentle Plus ready to feed formula and Prilosec. The doc said it should take a few days for the meds to work, but most of the moms I've talked to said it could take up to 2 weeks. The mom's also told me that we should give the medicine a half hour before for it to be more effective. The doc said to also give her Mylanta before each bottle to help soothe - this too breaks down PPI's (Prilosec) and can't be given within 4 hours before or after the meds.
At 7 weeks, 3 days our journey is still very difficult. Her symptoms are pretty severe. She fusses or cries a lot because of the pain or because it continues to come up her throat every few seconds (she'll swallow it and then it'll come right back up). She gags a lot and can't sleep in or on anything but us and her grandmas. It's beginning to come up her throat while she's trying to eat, so at 6 weeks she was eating nearly 4oz and now at 7 she's back down to 2-2.5oz (3 at a good feeding). She doesn't sleep soundly hardly at all anymore and she used to stay awake for 3-4 hours a day to just take in the world around her...now when she's awake, she's choking back acid or she's fussing and crying. Maybe 5 mins a day is she awake and content. If we put her down she gets anxious and upset, therefore making her reflux worse and then she's completely miserable until we pick her up again.
At 7 weeks, 1 day I let her sleep on her tummy most of the night (as scary as that was) and she did great, but then at 7 weeks 2 days I tried it again and she was refluxing all night long and in pain, so she ended up sleeping on me all night. I'm determined to keep her on the Good Start and Prilosec for 2 weeks to see if there's an improvement...plus I'm out of options by way of formula, unless we get a prescription for Neocate ($130 for 4 14oz cans), which the doc doesn't want to do just yet. The doc got us a referral to a GI doctor in Panorama City and we go see him on October 8th.
The emotional part of this has been harder for me than the physical part. Obviously I'm exhausted because I take care of a "sick" child most of the night and all day every day. I don't even get to shower most days until Jeff gets home. There's nights when I just cry uncontrollably because I can't do anything to help her and I'm afraid that we'll never find the right combination of meds and formula to make her feel better. These moms I talk to, it took some of them 8 or 9 months before they were able to find the right combination to make their children better. I try and stay positive that she doesn't have a deeper medical issue and like a lot of children with GER/GERD, she will grow out of it by 6-12 months. But in the past 4-5 weeks I've done countless hours of research and put her on her 7 formulas and three medications and at this point it's really hard to have hope. My mom keeps telling me not to give up hope and I don't unless I'm really down and at my lowest. What makes me cry the hardest is that at 7 weeks she should be exploring the world around her and learning how to play and except for poopy diapers, the occasional gas pains, or being hungry, she should be a happy baby. She's not happy and she can't do things normal babies do. We can't even take her anywhere or do anything unless we wait until at least a half hour after she eats (for her food to go down) and come back before her next feeding, and she still has flare ups the entire time we're out. She can't be fed out because she needs to be sat up and held completely still. I can't put her on her back to play in her Einstein Gym or to lay on a blanket at the park. She should be sleeping 4 hours between feedings (and so should we) and getting ready to transition to her crib in her own room. All of this just makes me bawl my eyes out. I naively thought that if she was born healthy then she'd be a healthy baby. I never thought about the "what ifs..." (partially because you make yourself crazy doing so) but now I'm thinking I should have. No one could have prepared me for how hard and challenging the past few weeks have been and how hard the next few weeks, months, maybe even years will be. She should be able to spend a few hours a day awake and content with playing or looking at things and she can't. When she's awake, she's miserable, when she's asleep, she's pretty miserable too. I can't even set her down on the floor on her blanket for 15 mins so I can eat dinner. She just starts choking and gagging. Dinner is a process every single night.
I think back over those 2 weeks after we brought her home from the NICU and about how hard I thought things were back then. How getting up every 3 hours for a feeding was difficult. I should have appreciated it more back then. I should have taken everyone's advice and slept when she slept. I can't sleep anymore when she sleeps because she's always sleeping on me and never soundly. Those days when we could just feed her and put her back down to go to sleep...what is that like? What is it like not having to sit her up for at least a half hour (especially in the middle of the night) and to just put her back down to go to sleep? What's it like actually getting an hour or two per night? I sleep in about 15 minute increments because when she falls asleep she's okay for about 10-15 mins and then starts grunting from the pain. What's it like to be able to just take your baby somewhere and not have to worry that it's getting close to feeding time and it's going to be too difficult to feed her and keep her sitting up? I can't dwell on the fact that she's not a normal newborn, but when I'm at my lowest, it just makes me feel even more down. I don't think I've felt this depressed, this defeated, this sad in at least 10 years.
As with all changes with Liv's food and meds, I'm staying really hopeful and really positive, but sometimes I just feel like saying "well nothing else has worked, this probably won't either!" We're 3 days into this and I say with lots of hope that this time next week we'll see at least a little bit of a difference.

34 weeks, 5 days...we had a baby!

I had planned on blogging on Tuesday, August 11th on my lunch break, but got caught up with work stuff and decided to do it the next day. Little did I know that I wouldn't be at work the next day...
My water broke at midnight on August 12th. At the time I literally just thought I'd lost control of my bladder and was peeing on myself. Seems stupid now, but I was half asleep and didn't quite understand what was going on. Every time I moved, my underwear got wet, so I finally called downstairs to Jeff and told him that I was pretty sure my water broke. I called the nurses station at the hospital just to ask their opinion and they told me to come in immediately.
Jeff and I ran around the house throwing last minute things in the hospital bag that we had just packed 3 days previously. Luckily I had a list that had a section for what to pack when it actually happened. I remember it took nearly a half hour because my brain couldn't process what was going on and I wanted to make sure I wasn't forgetting anything. I wasn't having contractions, so I wasn't in a huge hurry.
We left around 12:30 and got to the hospital somewhere around 1am. They put me in a gown and had me lay down in bed. They strapped on a fetal heart monitor and a monitor to track my contractions. They kept saying "you just had a contraction about 5 minutes ago, did you feel it?" No, apparently I didn't...I would continue to have them throughout the night, but not really feel them until close to 6am.
A midwife came in to exam me and said I was 2cm dilated, so they admitted me to the hospital. A doctor came in to take a sample of amniotic fluid so they could use it to test the baby's lungs. Needless to say, we never saw those results.
I called my parents at 2am and told them I was at the hospital and I'd been admitted. They immediately got up and booked a 6:30am flight. Jeff's parents quickly packed up a bunch of stuff and headed for the hospital as well.
I let Jeff get about 45 mins of sleep while I texted an emailed. I wasn't feeling contractions, just mild cramping, so there was nothing else to do! People would later make fun of me for this!
Somewhere around 6am the contractions started getting painful. They would start in my back and then move around to my front. I asked for IV drugs which they told me would last an hour. I put on my headphones and literally made it through 3 Daughtry songs before the pain came back with a vengeance. I was gripping onto the bed rails when the nurse came in and taught me how to breathe. Breathing does really help, you just have to remember to do it. My first instinct every time a contraction came was to start hyperventilating and freaking out. I remember thinking that I've never in my life been in a position where I was in pain and couldn't do something that would make me feel at least a little better. This pain wasn't going away! By 7am my contractions were around 2-3 minutes apart, yet even though I asked, the midwife didn't want to come in to check and see how far I was dilated. She was convinced it was going to be a long day of labor. I even told the nurse I felt the urge to push and no one really seemed to listen. Around 7:30am I demanded an epidural because the pain was so bad. The epidural didn't hurt; it actually immediately covered my entire left side giving me some relief. However it wasn't covering my right side so they had to roll me over to get the drug to 'drain' into my side. It never fully covered, but after about 1.5 hours did a decent job. My parents arrived somewhere around 8:15am, along with my aunt, Shannon and Jeff's parents who had been there since around 4:30ish. Around this time a new midwife came on shift and came in to see me. She checked me and immediately said "she's fully dilated, why hasn't she been checked?!" Yeah seriously! I'm not a doctor, but I do know that with contractions 2-3 minutes apart and pressure down under, that means it's probably time to have a baby!
The midwife decided I was progressing well, so she wanted me to labor down by myself and let it all happen naturally, so she left for a bit. I was able to visit with my parents and my aunt for a little while. Around 9:30-10 or so my contractions started slowing down a bit. They weren't as frequent or as intense, but I wasn't sure if I just couldn't feel them because of the epidural or what was going on. It was somewhere around 10:30am that the midwife checked and the baby's head was crowning. She wheeled over a mirror so I could see her head - insane! Since the contractions had almost come to a stop, she had the nurse put me on pottosin to try and get them to come back. I did get more and the midwife would have me push. Then it would go away and we'd just sit there and chat while we waited for another one to come back. Finally did one last big push and Olivia Jeanne Ryleigh was born at 11:16am on August 12, 2009. She was 4lbs, 2.84oz and 18.1 inches long.

They prepared me in advance that she would be taken immediately over to the heating lamps to be examined by a doctor from the NICU. She tested 9/10 on her APGAR and the doc did a full exam before letting Jeff cut the smaller part of the umbilical cord. They wrapped her up and let me hold her for about 5 minutes before they had to put her in an "incubator" and take her to the NICU. They stopped in the waiting room so everyone waiting there could meet her.

It all happened so fast and Jeff went with her to the NICU. So I was left alone with the nurse and the midwife getting stitches for the natural tear I had. I was actually alone for a really long time afterwards since Jeff was with the baby. I couldn't even process what had happened, just 24 hours before I was having a normal day at work.

Shortly after my parents came in to see me and then all of our visitors. About a half hour later they wheeled me in my bed to my post-partum room, but they stopped in the NICU so I could visit her. I only remember bits and pieces of it, but I do remember saying that she had such big feet and such long legs!

I spent a good part of that day going back and forth to the NICU by wheel chair. I needed sleep so bad, but just couldn't. My parents and Jeff's parents brought me some fries from In and Out Burger and Jeff a burger. That night at 6pm they brought him and I a "celebration dinner." Cheese manicotti (it was ravioli even though it said manicotti lol) with asparagus, rice pilaf and chocolate fudge bundt cake. We also got some martineli's so we could do a toast. It was really sweet!

The next day we spent in and out of the NICU. I decided I wanted to be discharged so I could shower in my own shower and sleep in my own bed. I needed to get some rest and get everything ready for her to come home. They initially told us she would be there 5 days, but over the course of those 5 days it changed, depending on who you talked to. Every day we'd get up, get ready, go to the hospital and sit with her for a good amount of the day. I cried at least 2-3 times a day because she couldn't come home. I dealt with breastfeeding Nazi's, social workers, physical therapists, ten different nurses, a bitchy head-nurse and several doctors that all brought me to tears. (I mean, not only did this all happen so suddenly, but then I couldn't take her home, which I'd never planned for, so it made it that much harder to process.) By the end of the 5th day it became frustrating. They wanted her to eat more, but everyone was feeding her differently and everyone had a different opinion on when she should come home. On Tuesday, August 18th, 2009, my mom and I settled in for another long day at the NICU. Olivia had just come off 24 hours on the bili-lights and we weren't expecting her to come home for at least 2 days. Suddenly her doctor comes up and asks if I know how to feed her and then asks if I want to take her home. "Cause if you don't feed her, she'll be back here."

So at 2pm on August 18th, we brought Olivia home! The first few days were stressful. We knew she had to eat to gain weight so she wouldn't have to go back to the hospital, but there were times when she wouldn't eat more than 15cc and I would just cry. She was 3lbs, 14ounces when we brought her home and they wanted her at her birth weight by her 2 week mark. At her first follow-up appointment they told us we had 6 days basically to get her weight up. I talked to a friend and co-worker who had preemie twins and she suggested a formula called Similac Neosure that was 2 extra calories per serving along with more protein and vitamins to help promote weight gain in preemies. So without consulting her doctor I made the decision on Friday, August 21st to switch her to this formula. Within 2 days she began thriving. She continuously ate more and more and by her 2 week follow-up she had gained 9 ounces and weighed 4lbs, 8.2oz - she surpassed her birth weight.

Today, August 28th, she's now eating around 2oz (60cc) almost every meal and is noticeably putting on weight. It's been an emotional and thrilling 2.5 weeks; our latest challenge are these late night feedings every 3 hours. Jeff goes back to work next Wednesday which is really scary, but it's just another step in this new journey for us both.

Olivia is an amazing baby. She's so sweet, so calm and so alert. It's a joy to be her mommy! More blogs will come with our many adventures during this time in our lives!

Cheers!