9 weeks, 6 days...

Our long road with infant reflux is continuing. She started to show a very very slight improvement on the Prilosec, but shortly after we went to see the GI Specialist. He decided to move her to 10mgs (5mgs 2times daily) of Prevacid solutabs and ordered an endoscopy to look at her esophagus. We started the Prevacid on October 8th and went in for the endoscopy on October 9th. The endoscopy showed severe thrush (yeast) on her throat, esophagus and stomach, which would explain why she was screaming through every feeding from pain. We started 1ml of Nystatin plus a cheek swab 4 times per day on October 9th. By October 10th when we went to the pumpkin patch, we were already seeing improvement from the Prevacid. Each subsequent day we saw more and more improvement including her first smile (October 11th), giggle, coo and signs of her noticing every color and light near or around her. She started looking and studying us, doing well in her car seat, bouncer and swing and even laid in her crib for the first time for about an hour. By October 14th you could hardly tell she even had reflux anymore. That night we put her in her room in her swing to sleep the night by herself (instead of on us) for the first time. She made it from 10 - 6am (with feedings included) by herself. It seemed going into the weekend and my birthday that we were on the road to recovery and ready to finally start our lives together as a happy healthy family.

On my 29th bday we started giving her half of her bottles with the powder version of Good Start and half still the ready-to-feed. That night she even slept from 11 - 5a without waking up (in her swing too!) which was huge for her. All seemed to be going well until Sunday night, the 18th, when she started having flare ups. Flare ups are common with reflux babies so I didn't think anything of it until it progressively got worse. Her quiet long nights in her swing were no longer and she kept grunting and groaning in pain.

Today is October 20th and it's only about 10 days later than our first great day at the Pumpkin patch and we are now right back at the starting line where we were about 2 weeks ago. At 3am last night I moved her back to all ready-to-feed formula fearing that she was just not handling the change to the powder well. I wish it was that simple, but if she wasn't handling the powder well, then why did it take her over 48 hours to have reflux symptoms associated with it? I've been told her dose of Prevacid is too low for her age and weight, but why did it work for a week and then just stop? She couldn't have gained more than an ounce or two in 1 week, so it can't be her weight. I've put in an email to her GI doc and I'm waiting to hear back about where we go from here.

At her last doctor's appointment on 10/12 when she got her 2 month shots she weighed 8lbs, 9.8oz and was 20 and 3/4 inches long. Her hair seems to be getting lighter and her eyebrows and eyelashes are now fully in. She's laughed twice (in my presence), smiles, coos, and loves to watch TV (baby Einstein, cartoons) and the ceiling fan. She sometimes reacts to being tickled and loves Elliott the elephant and another blue elephant she has that remains nameless. She's also really entertained by her baby Einstein gym. She lifts her head and holds it up for at least a few seconds. She gets frustrated because she wants to crawl, flip, move, but can only slide herself up.
Aside from the reflux her biggest issue is with burping. She doesn't eat as much as she wants to because we can't get her to burp. Then she continually gets hungry 1.5-2.5 hours later. We've tried many "holds" to get her to burp and sometimes they work, but most of the time they don't. Plus it's not good to move a reflux baby all over the place because it just causes flare ups. So depending on the feeding she's eating anywhere from 2 - 4oz, but hovers mostly around 3. Some late night feedings when she's sleepy and doesn't feel good she will take as little as 1.5 and every once in a while has a spike and eats 4.5. About once a day she goes 4 hours between a feeding, but pretty much still sticks to the every 3 hour rule. On October 17th she ate the most she ever has, 5.5oz.

She's finally comfortably fitting into her 0-3 month outfits. Bye-bye newborn clothes and diapers! She still hates her infant seat but as of last week when she was her happiest she could tolerate her bouncer for about 20-30 mins. She didn't like sleeping in her crib but I suspect it's because she can't be on her back (she just gets herself all upset and ends up sliding down off of the wedge we have in there to help her). We were going to try crib sleep training again in another couple of weeks, but with her condition taking a downturn, we've obviously decided to wait. And finally, she likes taking a bath! She's made it through the past 3 baths without crying or screaming!

So that's where we are now at 10 weeks!

7 weeks, 3 days old...

It's been a rough five weeks for Olivia and us. At three weeks, right around the first of September, we started noticing that she was having issues associated with spit up that didn't seem normal. On the second of September we had an appointment with the pediatrician and Olivia had jumped from 4lbs, 8oz to 5lbs, 4oz, so the doc had us take her off of Similac Neosure (which she'd been on for preemie weight gain). We continued to use it for a couple of days to finish off the bottles we had and by the last night on it she was projectile spitting up at least 2 tablespoons full. The next day we switched to Similac Advance Early Shield (to provide her with the immunities she needed for being a preemie) and we also put her on Gripe Water. It seemed a little better, but it seemed like she was still having some issues. I called the advice nurse and they told me what she was experiencing was normal. We continued on the Early Shield until she was 5 weeks, 1 days old. The Early Shield began giving her horrible gas to the point where she was up screaming most of the night. The gas drops and tummy massages didn't seem to help, so we moved her to the Enfamil Gentlease powder. One bottle down her gas was completely gone, but suddenly the spit up issue got worse. And she wasn't even really spitting up, but the spit up would make it into her throat and then it sounded like she was swallowing it back. At her 1 month follow-up with the pediatrician on September 18th I brought up that she seemed to be having issues and the doc recommended Enfamil AR or Nutramigen. The Nutramigen was so expensive we went with the AR but had to blend it with the Gentlease so her gas wouldn't come back. It seemed to work okay, but her symptoms persisted and the AR also gave her horrible constipation. She began screaming every time she had to go to the bathroom. We added 1 tsp of Kara Syrup (3x daily) and some water (1-2 times daily) to help with the constipation (it worked ok).
At this point I began doing more reading online and started noticing that a lot of things she did were actually symptoms of Infant Acid Reflux (Gastroesophageal Reflux Disease or GER/GERD) and not just normal baby noises. Her grunting, groaning, arching of the back, red squished up face, coughing, choking, gagging, extending her tongue in and out of her mouth, frequent hiccups (wet)...all are symptoms. As the days went on and she got used to the formula, her symptoms seemed to worsen. She went from making noises throughout the night and then falling back into a deep sleep, to choking on her spit up and swallowing it back down all throughout the night. At just after 6 weeks old she began sleeping on me most of the night. At this point we'd been feeding her upright and making her sleep upright for at least 2 weeks and we weren't sure what else we could do. I called the doctor and she called in a prescription for Cimetidine (0.3ml every 6 hours) but told me it was Prilosec. For a week I thought she was on Prilosec and was dissappointed that it wasn't working. At 6.5 weeks we switched her to Similac Alimentum to see if it was possibly an allergy or something in the formula she was sensitive too, but she didn't take well to it and her symptoms became more severe. However we did blend it for a day with the AR and she did great and then took a turn for the worse. I called after she'd been on the Cimetidine for 5 days and we hadn't seen any results and all the doctor did for us was up the dose by 0.1ml. Tired, frustrated and unsure what to do I called and requested to see another doctor.
On September 29th at 6 weeks, 6 days old Dr. Gereb was a welcome change. She really wanted to help and was willing to work with us to get her better. She told us to discontinue the Alimentum and AR and to put her on Gentlease with rice cereal and prescribed us Reglan (0.4ml every 4 hours) to take with the Cimetidine. She also told us to use Miralax 1-2 times a day (1/4 tsp) to help with her constipation (brought on by the AR formula). Within a half hour of her first dose of the Reglan she seemed to be so much better, but by 11pm that night, the side effects we'd been warned about started happening. She started flailing around and freaking out like she was hopped up on coffee. I went on to do further reading and found out that Reglan has been black boxed by the FDA for all of the permanent effects it has on kids (specifically involuntary movements - like flailing around) and there was pending litigation against the drug. After two doses we pulled her off. On just the rice cereal and Gentlease Olivia had the worst two days of her life. She hated the rice cereal, didn't want to drink it, and it was a nightmare to get out of the bottle (it clumped so bad we needed 6mo+ nipples). I pulled her off the rice cereal only 36 hours after she'd started it, began giving her the AR and Gentlease blend again and left the doc 3 emails.
At this point I started becoming a familiar "face" on the Reflux Rebels message board on babycenter.com. What a life saver these moms are! They have one or more children with GERD and all other related diseases (MSPI, colic) and seem to know more than both of Olivia's doctor's know about GERD, medications, etc.
The doc called me first thing in the morning and told me to take her off the cereal (already done) and the Cimetidine (useless anyways) and to keep her on the AR blend with the Gentlease and that we'd move her to Prilosec (compounded, 0.9ml 2x daily). I posted on my message board and was quickly told that the AR formula shouldn't be given with the Prilosec because it breaks down the drug. Nestle Good Start formula is what was recommended with the Prilosec. So at 7 weeks, 1 day she began Good Start Gentle Plus ready to feed formula and Prilosec. The doc said it should take a few days for the meds to work, but most of the moms I've talked to said it could take up to 2 weeks. The mom's also told me that we should give the medicine a half hour before for it to be more effective. The doc said to also give her Mylanta before each bottle to help soothe - this too breaks down PPI's (Prilosec) and can't be given within 4 hours before or after the meds.
At 7 weeks, 3 days our journey is still very difficult. Her symptoms are pretty severe. She fusses or cries a lot because of the pain or because it continues to come up her throat every few seconds (she'll swallow it and then it'll come right back up). She gags a lot and can't sleep in or on anything but us and her grandmas. It's beginning to come up her throat while she's trying to eat, so at 6 weeks she was eating nearly 4oz and now at 7 she's back down to 2-2.5oz (3 at a good feeding). She doesn't sleep soundly hardly at all anymore and she used to stay awake for 3-4 hours a day to just take in the world around her...now when she's awake, she's choking back acid or she's fussing and crying. Maybe 5 mins a day is she awake and content. If we put her down she gets anxious and upset, therefore making her reflux worse and then she's completely miserable until we pick her up again.
At 7 weeks, 1 day I let her sleep on her tummy most of the night (as scary as that was) and she did great, but then at 7 weeks 2 days I tried it again and she was refluxing all night long and in pain, so she ended up sleeping on me all night. I'm determined to keep her on the Good Start and Prilosec for 2 weeks to see if there's an improvement...plus I'm out of options by way of formula, unless we get a prescription for Neocate ($130 for 4 14oz cans), which the doc doesn't want to do just yet. The doc got us a referral to a GI doctor in Panorama City and we go see him on October 8th.
The emotional part of this has been harder for me than the physical part. Obviously I'm exhausted because I take care of a "sick" child most of the night and all day every day. I don't even get to shower most days until Jeff gets home. There's nights when I just cry uncontrollably because I can't do anything to help her and I'm afraid that we'll never find the right combination of meds and formula to make her feel better. These moms I talk to, it took some of them 8 or 9 months before they were able to find the right combination to make their children better. I try and stay positive that she doesn't have a deeper medical issue and like a lot of children with GER/GERD, she will grow out of it by 6-12 months. But in the past 4-5 weeks I've done countless hours of research and put her on her 7 formulas and three medications and at this point it's really hard to have hope. My mom keeps telling me not to give up hope and I don't unless I'm really down and at my lowest. What makes me cry the hardest is that at 7 weeks she should be exploring the world around her and learning how to play and except for poopy diapers, the occasional gas pains, or being hungry, she should be a happy baby. She's not happy and she can't do things normal babies do. We can't even take her anywhere or do anything unless we wait until at least a half hour after she eats (for her food to go down) and come back before her next feeding, and she still has flare ups the entire time we're out. She can't be fed out because she needs to be sat up and held completely still. I can't put her on her back to play in her Einstein Gym or to lay on a blanket at the park. She should be sleeping 4 hours between feedings (and so should we) and getting ready to transition to her crib in her own room. All of this just makes me bawl my eyes out. I naively thought that if she was born healthy then she'd be a healthy baby. I never thought about the "what ifs..." (partially because you make yourself crazy doing so) but now I'm thinking I should have. No one could have prepared me for how hard and challenging the past few weeks have been and how hard the next few weeks, months, maybe even years will be. She should be able to spend a few hours a day awake and content with playing or looking at things and she can't. When she's awake, she's miserable, when she's asleep, she's pretty miserable too. I can't even set her down on the floor on her blanket for 15 mins so I can eat dinner. She just starts choking and gagging. Dinner is a process every single night.
I think back over those 2 weeks after we brought her home from the NICU and about how hard I thought things were back then. How getting up every 3 hours for a feeding was difficult. I should have appreciated it more back then. I should have taken everyone's advice and slept when she slept. I can't sleep anymore when she sleeps because she's always sleeping on me and never soundly. Those days when we could just feed her and put her back down to go to sleep...what is that like? What is it like not having to sit her up for at least a half hour (especially in the middle of the night) and to just put her back down to go to sleep? What's it like actually getting an hour or two per night? I sleep in about 15 minute increments because when she falls asleep she's okay for about 10-15 mins and then starts grunting from the pain. What's it like to be able to just take your baby somewhere and not have to worry that it's getting close to feeding time and it's going to be too difficult to feed her and keep her sitting up? I can't dwell on the fact that she's not a normal newborn, but when I'm at my lowest, it just makes me feel even more down. I don't think I've felt this depressed, this defeated, this sad in at least 10 years.
As with all changes with Liv's food and meds, I'm staying really hopeful and really positive, but sometimes I just feel like saying "well nothing else has worked, this probably won't either!" We're 3 days into this and I say with lots of hope that this time next week we'll see at least a little bit of a difference.

34 weeks, 5 days...we had a baby!

I had planned on blogging on Tuesday, August 11th on my lunch break, but got caught up with work stuff and decided to do it the next day. Little did I know that I wouldn't be at work the next day...
My water broke at midnight on August 12th. At the time I literally just thought I'd lost control of my bladder and was peeing on myself. Seems stupid now, but I was half asleep and didn't quite understand what was going on. Every time I moved, my underwear got wet, so I finally called downstairs to Jeff and told him that I was pretty sure my water broke. I called the nurses station at the hospital just to ask their opinion and they told me to come in immediately.
Jeff and I ran around the house throwing last minute things in the hospital bag that we had just packed 3 days previously. Luckily I had a list that had a section for what to pack when it actually happened. I remember it took nearly a half hour because my brain couldn't process what was going on and I wanted to make sure I wasn't forgetting anything. I wasn't having contractions, so I wasn't in a huge hurry.
We left around 12:30 and got to the hospital somewhere around 1am. They put me in a gown and had me lay down in bed. They strapped on a fetal heart monitor and a monitor to track my contractions. They kept saying "you just had a contraction about 5 minutes ago, did you feel it?" No, apparently I didn't...I would continue to have them throughout the night, but not really feel them until close to 6am.
A midwife came in to exam me and said I was 2cm dilated, so they admitted me to the hospital. A doctor came in to take a sample of amniotic fluid so they could use it to test the baby's lungs. Needless to say, we never saw those results.
I called my parents at 2am and told them I was at the hospital and I'd been admitted. They immediately got up and booked a 6:30am flight. Jeff's parents quickly packed up a bunch of stuff and headed for the hospital as well.
I let Jeff get about 45 mins of sleep while I texted an emailed. I wasn't feeling contractions, just mild cramping, so there was nothing else to do! People would later make fun of me for this!
Somewhere around 6am the contractions started getting painful. They would start in my back and then move around to my front. I asked for IV drugs which they told me would last an hour. I put on my headphones and literally made it through 3 Daughtry songs before the pain came back with a vengeance. I was gripping onto the bed rails when the nurse came in and taught me how to breathe. Breathing does really help, you just have to remember to do it. My first instinct every time a contraction came was to start hyperventilating and freaking out. I remember thinking that I've never in my life been in a position where I was in pain and couldn't do something that would make me feel at least a little better. This pain wasn't going away! By 7am my contractions were around 2-3 minutes apart, yet even though I asked, the midwife didn't want to come in to check and see how far I was dilated. She was convinced it was going to be a long day of labor. I even told the nurse I felt the urge to push and no one really seemed to listen. Around 7:30am I demanded an epidural because the pain was so bad. The epidural didn't hurt; it actually immediately covered my entire left side giving me some relief. However it wasn't covering my right side so they had to roll me over to get the drug to 'drain' into my side. It never fully covered, but after about 1.5 hours did a decent job. My parents arrived somewhere around 8:15am, along with my aunt, Shannon and Jeff's parents who had been there since around 4:30ish. Around this time a new midwife came on shift and came in to see me. She checked me and immediately said "she's fully dilated, why hasn't she been checked?!" Yeah seriously! I'm not a doctor, but I do know that with contractions 2-3 minutes apart and pressure down under, that means it's probably time to have a baby!
The midwife decided I was progressing well, so she wanted me to labor down by myself and let it all happen naturally, so she left for a bit. I was able to visit with my parents and my aunt for a little while. Around 9:30-10 or so my contractions started slowing down a bit. They weren't as frequent or as intense, but I wasn't sure if I just couldn't feel them because of the epidural or what was going on. It was somewhere around 10:30am that the midwife checked and the baby's head was crowning. She wheeled over a mirror so I could see her head - insane! Since the contractions had almost come to a stop, she had the nurse put me on pottosin to try and get them to come back. I did get more and the midwife would have me push. Then it would go away and we'd just sit there and chat while we waited for another one to come back. Finally did one last big push and Olivia Jeanne Ryleigh was born at 11:16am on August 12, 2009. She was 4lbs, 2.84oz and 18.1 inches long.

They prepared me in advance that she would be taken immediately over to the heating lamps to be examined by a doctor from the NICU. She tested 9/10 on her APGAR and the doc did a full exam before letting Jeff cut the smaller part of the umbilical cord. They wrapped her up and let me hold her for about 5 minutes before they had to put her in an "incubator" and take her to the NICU. They stopped in the waiting room so everyone waiting there could meet her.

It all happened so fast and Jeff went with her to the NICU. So I was left alone with the nurse and the midwife getting stitches for the natural tear I had. I was actually alone for a really long time afterwards since Jeff was with the baby. I couldn't even process what had happened, just 24 hours before I was having a normal day at work.

Shortly after my parents came in to see me and then all of our visitors. About a half hour later they wheeled me in my bed to my post-partum room, but they stopped in the NICU so I could visit her. I only remember bits and pieces of it, but I do remember saying that she had such big feet and such long legs!

I spent a good part of that day going back and forth to the NICU by wheel chair. I needed sleep so bad, but just couldn't. My parents and Jeff's parents brought me some fries from In and Out Burger and Jeff a burger. That night at 6pm they brought him and I a "celebration dinner." Cheese manicotti (it was ravioli even though it said manicotti lol) with asparagus, rice pilaf and chocolate fudge bundt cake. We also got some martineli's so we could do a toast. It was really sweet!

The next day we spent in and out of the NICU. I decided I wanted to be discharged so I could shower in my own shower and sleep in my own bed. I needed to get some rest and get everything ready for her to come home. They initially told us she would be there 5 days, but over the course of those 5 days it changed, depending on who you talked to. Every day we'd get up, get ready, go to the hospital and sit with her for a good amount of the day. I cried at least 2-3 times a day because she couldn't come home. I dealt with breastfeeding Nazi's, social workers, physical therapists, ten different nurses, a bitchy head-nurse and several doctors that all brought me to tears. (I mean, not only did this all happen so suddenly, but then I couldn't take her home, which I'd never planned for, so it made it that much harder to process.) By the end of the 5th day it became frustrating. They wanted her to eat more, but everyone was feeding her differently and everyone had a different opinion on when she should come home. On Tuesday, August 18th, 2009, my mom and I settled in for another long day at the NICU. Olivia had just come off 24 hours on the bili-lights and we weren't expecting her to come home for at least 2 days. Suddenly her doctor comes up and asks if I know how to feed her and then asks if I want to take her home. "Cause if you don't feed her, she'll be back here."

So at 2pm on August 18th, we brought Olivia home! The first few days were stressful. We knew she had to eat to gain weight so she wouldn't have to go back to the hospital, but there were times when she wouldn't eat more than 15cc and I would just cry. She was 3lbs, 14ounces when we brought her home and they wanted her at her birth weight by her 2 week mark. At her first follow-up appointment they told us we had 6 days basically to get her weight up. I talked to a friend and co-worker who had preemie twins and she suggested a formula called Similac Neosure that was 2 extra calories per serving along with more protein and vitamins to help promote weight gain in preemies. So without consulting her doctor I made the decision on Friday, August 21st to switch her to this formula. Within 2 days she began thriving. She continuously ate more and more and by her 2 week follow-up she had gained 9 ounces and weighed 4lbs, 8.2oz - she surpassed her birth weight.

Today, August 28th, she's now eating around 2oz (60cc) almost every meal and is noticeably putting on weight. It's been an emotional and thrilling 2.5 weeks; our latest challenge are these late night feedings every 3 hours. Jeff goes back to work next Wednesday which is really scary, but it's just another step in this new journey for us both.

Olivia is an amazing baby. She's so sweet, so calm and so alert. It's a joy to be her mommy! More blogs will come with our many adventures during this time in our lives!

Cheers!

32 weeks, 3 days…

We had my baby shower this past Saturday on July 25, 2009. What an amazing day! What great friends and family I have. I can’t believe how much people love little Olivia and she’s not even born yet. The shower started at 1pm and my mom had bought all pink and chocolate brown decorations. The napkins were the cutest, they were pink with white polka dots. Little decorations hung from the chandelier and we had pink and chocolate brown cups and plates. Cindie made cute little pink “Chinese takeout” boxes with chocolate brown and pink candies in them. The food was amazing! It was beautiful on the table – almost too good to eat – but not quite. I chowed down many times throughout the day. The cake turned out really cute. It had pink booties on it and was so yummy. White cake with white buttercream and strawberries in the middle and a whipped cream frosting. Jenny’s punch recipe was VERY tasty and quite a hit. There were piles and piles of gifts, it took me forever to plow through them. So many personalized and handmade items that I will just cherish forever. I can definitely say that she doesn’t need anymore clothes until she’s 9 months old! We got almost everything we need (about 80%) and just need to pick up a few more things like pacifiers, mattress pads, changing table covers, some more bottles, diapers, burp cloths, the bouncer and the infant car seat. Her room is packed with gifts right now and I need to start digging through them to try and get things put away and organized. We also need to find some good shelving because Miss Olivia already has LOADS of books. I had a wonderful time and it was so great seeing so many friends and family. Let’s do this again for her first birthday! HAHA!

Everything is going good. I’m gaining too much weight! I’ve been averaging 2 pounds a week and they want me to keep it at 1. I feel like it’s going on faster than I can eat. I wanted to stay under 200, but I’m not sure if that’s possible at this point. I’ve 24 lbs gained so far. Saturday night after the shower I was lying in bed and for the first time she really pushed hard with her little hands/feet and pushed my skin out so far my stomach was completely misshapen. It’s happened before, but it was REALLY crazy this time. It was like the side of my stomach came to a point. It was the craziest experience this entire pregnancy – and I was all by myself when it happened which really sucks!

We really enjoyed the hospital / maternity ward tour 2 weeks ago. It really made things more of a reality to us, which was scary and exciting all at the same time. Going to something like this was really great for someone like me because I hate the unknown and I hate not having a plan, so seeing where I am going to be and how everything works was great. I was really impressed with Kaiser’s care and I feel really good about this upcoming experience. Now if someone can just tell me what day she’ll be born, that will ease my nervousness a little!

I got asked over the weekend who was going to be in the room with me when I give birth and I got mixed reactions when I said “probably just Jeff.” I also added that it would also depend on the moment and how I’m feeling, if the birth is complicated or easy, etc, etc, but I think people really thought I was going to use all 4 of my slots in the delivery room. I just don’t know yet. I’m going to just leave it up to the moment. If anyone gets to come in, it would be my mom, but I’m not sure about that either. I’m not sure if she would make me feel better or maybe stress me out some more. I have no idea if I’m going to be one of those women that get angry and yell at everyone or if I’ll be calm and just in pain. I just don’t see how I could make that decision right now when I’ve never gone through this before and I don’t know what to expect. What if the baby comes early and my mom’s not here? What if the baby comes fast and no one has time to get the hospital except for Jeff and I and maybe my aunts? I just don’t know. And I think I may have offended people, but what can I say…

I’m sitting here looking at my To Do list for the baby. So far this is what I’ve written down today.
Buy and hang shelving
Wash all clothing, sheets, blankets, etc
Buy waterproof mattress pads
Buy changing pads
Organize drawers and closet
Buy diapers
Find a place to store the high chair and bigger stroller
Install car seat and bases
Pack hospital bag

This doesn’t include finding a home for everything given to us at the shower! Still lots to do!

30 weeks, 3 days...

I can’t believe I’m 30 weeks! Where has the time gone? Only 10 weeks to go…its amazing!

We spent all last weekend getting the nursery ready. Painted, hung a chair rail, cleaned everything out, put together the furniture and yesterday we hung her name over the crib. Seeing her room every night when I come up the stairs and every morning when I wake up has really made it all so much more real to me. I can’t believe in 10 weeks there will be a baby in there! My shower is in less than 2 weeks…we’ll be swimming in baby gifts which we will start putting into her room…that’s going to be another step at making it more “real.”

Today we are going to the Hospital Tour in Panorama City. I’m so excited to see the Maternity Ward! I saw a small part of the *new* hospital when I went there for Urgent Care last year, but I’m really excited to see everything. This is also another step at making things seem more real. I’ve only been to the hospital (in my entire life) to see both Gavin and Jerrod after they were born. Isn’t that scary? I have no idea what life is going to be like as a patient, hooked up to IV’s and giving birth…weird!

I think I’ve finally reached my threshold for “advice.” I am so sick of people chastising me because I don’t sit and talk to the baby all day! I’m seriously at work all day and when I get home at night it just feels weird talking to my stomach. She can hear Jeff and I talking and she listens to me talk all day. She’s not going to know if I’m talking directly to her or not, the only thing she can understand at this point is a heartbeat and the replication of a heartbeat with the pre-natal education system I wear. Maybe that’s mean and insensitive and it’s a sign I’m already going to be a bad mommy, but whatever. I just don’t think I’ve “connected” with her yet and maybe that too means I’ll be a bad mom. I feel like I can connect to her more now than 11 weeks ago, especially knowing her name and shopping for all of her clothes and nursery items, but I’m still not 100% connected. I’m only about halfway there. I’ve finally reached the point where I can picture her being born and all of the time we will spend as a family. I feel like it’s a process and I’m slowly getting to the point where I’m ready (at least mentally) for her to be part of our lives. Thank goodness this is a 9 month process because it’s taking that long for me to feel like I’m ready!

I still worry if I’m going to be a good mom and how I’m going to protect her against the world. Earlier in the pregnancy I couldn’t sleep at night thinking about these things and now I feel a lot more ready. I think more about labor and delivery every day and I think more about those first couple weeks after she comes home. Before it terrified me to even think about it and now I’m 95% ready.

She’s still moving and grooving in my belly! She’s also still pushing on (and feels like in!) my right rib which can get extremely uncomfortable. On my right side, just under my rib, I get pressure and then I can feel her foot come up and make a lump for a moment, and then go back down. She’s had some pretty hard kicks on my left side, but they’re more rare, seems like her feet are always on my right side. Last week she had some really hard ones on my left side, it was like a rolling motion of knees and elbows and for the first time it actually hurt a little instead of just startling me or being uncomfortable. She’s most active probably at night, just after dinner and sometimes after I lay down in bed. I get some movement in the mornings and the afternoon, but not nearly as much as at night. I think because that’s when I finally settle down and relax for the day, so that’s her time to move around.

My stomach has continued to pop. Although people still tell me I don’t look 7 months pregnant – I’ll take it while I can! My doc appointments are every 2 weeks now and I think they go down to weekly 1 month out. I’m glad they’re so good at monitoring everything and keeping an eye on me and the baby, but having so many appointments gets annoying!

I can’t wait to see everyone at the shower. It feels so great to surround yourself with people you care about during such a happy time in your life. I feel like events like this bring people together who haven’t seen each other or haven’t had much time together and I just love that. I want her birth to be one big celebration! There are already so many people that love her and she’s still got 2 more months of baking to do!

We took our maternity photos over the weekend. Despite the hot weather and all of the work, it was a lot of fun. About 40 came out that I actually like, which is a lot more than I thought would! I’m really happy to have these to look back on in the future. Hopefully she’ll think it’s kinda cool when she’s older and not super annoying and stupid, haha.

That’s it for 30 weeks!

28 weeks, 3 days…

Her kicks are getting more and more powerful it seems. Sometimes they’re normal, but sometimes it’s like she winds her arm up and then punches me really hard. It startles me more than anything, doesn’t really hurt – yet. For almost two weeks now I’ve been feeling like she’s got something under my right rib. I can’t sit normal; it feels like something is lodged in there. I’m assuming it’s her and not a broken bone since I don’t recall injuring myself ha, ha. She’s the most active usually after I eat, or when I’m at rest for long periods of time. Though sometimes she just doesn’t move at all. It’s pretty sporadic and it kind of worries me at times, because I thought after 28 weeks they were supposed to be moving every 10 minutes or so. Maybe her big legs have taken up a lot of space and she’s not able to do as many acrobatics as she’s supposed to be from now until the 34th week. It wouldn’t surprise me!

My tummy’s getting bigger and bigger. The most annoying thing this entire pregnancy? People (strangers, co-workers, family, etc) that tell me every single day: “You’re having a girl? Really, because you’re carrying it like a boy.” Seriously? This is an OLD WIVES’ TALE and has no medical credibility at all! Everyone says I look like I have a basketball or a bowling ball in my front and I don’t look pregnant from the back. Great compliment, I’ll take it, however I don’t want to hear anymore about how I’m carrying it! Someone said to me last week “your stomach is getting higher, it definitely looks more like a girl now.” WHAT?! I have no idea what that means! The comedy in this is just amazing. Yeah so I haven’t been a perfect angel when it comes to eating 100% healthy, but I do know that I’m doing a decent job at it. Maybe I’m carrying it all in my stomach because I haven’t gained as much anywhere else (well my legs, but that’s not noticeable to people). Or maybe I’m carrying it there because that’s how my mom carried me and genetics plays a role. Maybe I’m just carrying it there because of my body type too. There’s a 100 different reasons and none of them have to do with gender. Sorry for the vent, the lady at the gas station on the way to Pismo put me right over the edge with this nonsense!

My shower is in less than a month! Now we’re in a scramble to get the nursery done because I want my friends and family to see if when they’re here for the shower. If all goes as planned then this Thursday Salvation Army will pick up our donations to clear out the room. Then that night we’ll tape everything off and get it prepped for painting. Friday morning we’ll start with the lighter pink and also get the chair rail painted separately. Then we’ll move onto the chocolate brown. By Saturday we’ll have just some stripes left and the chair rail to hang. Hopefully Jeff and Chip will have some time to put the crib together as well. After that’s done, Jeff and I can spend the next couple of weekends putting the finishing touches on before Jenny arrives. I ordered the glider last week and it should arrive today. I’m assuming the dresser/changer will be coming in any day now too. We picked up the toy chest from my parents over the weekend. All we need is a book case, but we don’t need that for the shower. We probably won’t have time to go to Ikea until August unless we go the weekend of the 11th. When I think of things in terms of weekends it just makes the time fly by so fast. 2.5 months and she’ll be here. Our lives are going to change forever. It seems so final and so scary yet so incredibly exciting.

Eating is becoming more and more difficult. When I feel full, I feel miserable. But I love the taste of food so much, sometimes it’s hard to stop. And when I don’t stop and get beyond the point of no return I feel absolutely miserable! I feel like my food has nowhere to go, so it’s sitting in my chest and my throat. And sometimes after I eat the top of my tummy gets really really hard and feels like I’ve done some crunches. Not sure if those are BH contractions or my food trying to make its way down.

My fingers and feet are swelling on a normal basis now. I can’t wear my engagement ring anymore around my chubby fingers. Every day I think about how I can’t wait to lose the weight after the baby is born! Other changes…I’ve also noticed that my wrist is hurting a lot more now. Since I’ve always had problems with it, it doesn’t surprise me that it would flair up during pregnancy. Hopefully it doesn’t turn into full blown carpel tunnel like the book says happens to a lot of preggo women. I’m on a computer all day! My back is also getting more and more sore, but it’s still tolerable. It’s like I’m starting to see glimpses of how bad it will be in another month, it’s all pretty minimal now.

I do waddle more now when I walk. If I’m focusing I can try and walk pretty normal, but when I’m lazy, I just waddle side to side lol. I can feel the weight weighing down on my legs when I’m walking up stairs too. My knees are like “what’s going on!?” ha, ha.

I think that’s it for now!

26 weeks...

The baby is rockin’ and rollin’ in my tummy these days. The hard kicks and punches are coming on more and more every day. Last night when I was sleeping I felt a foot or a hand come right through and hit my hand off of my stomach. It’s really startling and most of the time cool, but sometimes it almost makes me not feel well because she’s just so active. Jeff’s able to feel her more now since the movement is so much stronger and it happens more frequently. This week she’s been kicking a lot near my right rib cage and she hasn’t quite hit bone yet, so I’m thankful for that. I do feel her in different places all day long, so I’m convinced she’s doing summersaults and having an absolute party in there. I have no idea how they move around so much and don’t get the umbilical cord wrapped around their neck!

I’m really showing now. The upper part of my stomach has really popped making my shape a lot more round and making it easier for people to tell that I’m pregnant and not just fat. I bought a few dresses last weekend and the shape of the dress really shows off my belly. I must say the best thing about being pregnant is that you don’t have to suck it in on days when you’re bloated. You can let it pop out for all to see and it doesn’t matter because you’re pregnant! I used to hate those days where I was so bloated I had to suck it in so no one could see my flab. Not any more! At least not for another few months!

So I think I’ve finally figured out my maternity leave. The company will give me 6 weeks of paid time off (combined with CA state disability). After that I’ll deplete my sick and vacation time (which should be around 4 weeks total) giving me the 2.5 months off that I wanted. If I need any more time, I can take it off unpaid. Not only do I NOT want unpaid time, but I do need to be back here for the end of the year/quarter. I took this job and have to pay my dues working on New Year’s Eve to close everything out. The only way I’d take it unpaid is if the doc pulls me out of work before my due date. I want anywhere from 8-10 weeks with the baby before I go back to work, so I guess I’ll have to cross that bridge when I come to it. Let me tell you, America does not make it easy for women to have children and be a career woman at the same time. Everyone says “yeah but we have FMLA” – FMLA is great – if you worry about your job protection – but it does nothing as far as paying you for time off. Yeah we’ll give you 3 months of UNPAID leave, no problem! It kills me how in other modern countries women get anywhere from 6 months to a year off – paid. I won’t whine about that anymore, but let’s just say that being a working mom is not easy from the get-go.

We got our first baby registry gift! Crazy considering I think only close friends and family knew we registered. It’s so cute – a 3 stage bathtub with a rainforest theme. From a co-worker in Ohio who just had twins a year ago. It surprised me when we pulled up to the house and there was this big Target box sitting on our door step and we’re like “what’s that?” Totally forgot we’re registered. So it was a nice surprise. Belle wasn’t too sure what the bathtub was, haha!

Speaking of Belle…with her being so sick for the past 2 weeks and work being so crazy I haven’t really had time to focus on anything else. I did pick up some green and pink paint chips and once the sun comes out (one of these days) I’m going to take them up to the nursery and sit with them in the natural light and pick what I want. I can’t wait to clean out that room and get it ready for the baby! It’s going to be such a great feeling to donate everything and start personalizing it for her! I think having the nursery done will make it more real. I’m hoping we’ll have it done by mid-July, but we’ll see.

Sounds like my shower invites will be going out soon…? That’s exciting. I can’t wait to see everyone! Almost everyone has been so supportive through this whole process and its crazy how when life changes, you really know who your true family and friends are. I feel like I could learn so much from my friends and family about being a great person. I’ve had so many people tell me that they would drop their lives to come stay and help with the baby if I needed them. I’ve never in my life felt so touched and felt so loved. And if it weren’t for my parents sometimes I would completely think everything is hopeless. Without them I don’t think we could have even had a baby because we wouldn’t have been able to afford it. Talk about another issue with America – the cost of good quality child care! You know the kind where your kid doesn’t get beat up and you can actually trust someone with your child.

This weekend I’m collecting my 24 hour urine sample and preparing for my glucose test. Good times! This morning I was thinking about it and wondering how I’ll manage to make it downstairs in the middle of the night to pull my urine jug out of the fridge, to go pee, then to put it back in and go back upstairs and be able to actually fall back asleep. Awesome.

And so begins my 26th week…

24 weeks

I can't believe it's 6 months! Wasn't it just January when I was holding my positive pregnancy pee stick?

My belly is starting to lead the way...it's nearly impossible to get up and off the floor without assistance from nearby furniture or other people. It's not easy to get out of bed or off the couch, but it's much easier than the floor. I look in the mirror daily and can't believe how huge my stomach is. Ugh. Although it's odd because quite often people tell me I don't look 6 months pregnant. For me I feel like I'm huge, but I guess not to other people. I have a doctor's appointment on Monday so we'll see how much weight I've gained. Ummph.

My hunger level is the same. I've been walking laps around the building at work on my lunch break 2 - 3 days a week. I've been drinking Smart Water so I can stay hydrated. And I've been eating much healthier. Hopefully the doc notices how hard I'm working because I could really go for a Dairy Queen Blizzard with Reese's Peanut Butter cups right now!

My stress level has been high. Work is just insanity...I'm now doing the equivalent to two jobs (when I was hired the upper level stuff was supposed to stay with my boss, but now he's covering for another department while their manager is on a project), so I'm swamped with work, responsibility and expectations. There's good days, but there's really bad days too. With us being thinned on employees they're pretty worried about what to do when I'm out on maternity leave. I'm not taking as much time as I could because I know they need me and I have this expectation to live up to. I think for the first time on Friday I actually felt really appreciated like I was making a difference, so that makes me feel better.

Jeff felt the baby kick for the first time this past week. Since she always sits breech, he hardly ever gets the opportunity, but every once in a while she turns a bit so you can feel her. It's hard to gauge how active she is because of where she's sitting. It worries me some days because I don't know when I'm suppose to start feeling her every ten minutes or whatever it is that they say.

Someone asked me while I was on vacation what my "birth plan" was and they were highly offended when I told them "to go to the hospital." I mean, do I really need a birth plan? All I want is drugs. I don't have any special blankets or pillows or food I have to have with me and knowing Kaiser they'd screw it up anyways. I dunno, maybe I'm weird, maybe I'm not prepared, I have no idea. I just want a healthy baby and I want to be healthy too.

Registering was interesting. It was fun, but it was insanely overwhelming. I have no idea if I over-registered for some things and under-registered for others. I knew we had to have a lot of stuff, but to see it all on paper like that freaks me out. 95% of it is stuff we NEED (not just want because it's cute) and we don't expect everyone to buy it all for us, so I'm trying to budget and figure out how much it will cost us to pick up everything on the registry we don't get. How overwhelming! Did get our bedding set though! Which is great because now we can pick out a crib, glider and pick out paint colors. The room will either be a pale pink or a pale mint green (colors in the bedding). I just haven't decided yet. I picked up some paint chips today and I need to take them with the bedding up into the room and look at them in the natural light.

Well that's it for now. Hopefully my checkup goes well on Monday and I'll have nothing interesting to blog about. :-)

22 weeks, 5 days…

What a crazy two weeks! It’s been a good two weeks though. My parents came to visit over Mother’s Day and the baby got LOTS of clothes from her Grandma and Grandpa. There’s so many things hanging in her closet that at this point, she has a bigger wardrobe than I do! I got a few mother-to-be Mother’s Day cards which was really sweet and made me feel good.

The baby also took her first trip on a plane when we flew up to Seattle for one last vacation before the insanity of parenthood starts. The trip went well. I don’t think I could have handled flying a lot further or traveling during our stay a lot more. It was just the right amount of walking, sleeping, eating, etc. Well I could have done less eating, but what else can I say about that? It was a nice getaway before she is born and we had a fun time.

My 20 week appointment went okay. I gained nearly 11 pounds in 1 month which was horrible for me to digest. Guess those little splurges added up after all, huh? I had a hard time eating well over vacation and felt horrible about it after I digested the yummy goodness of food in the Pacific Northwest, but I’m back on the pregnancy “diet” of fruits, veggies, healthy dinners and low fat sweets. In fact as I type this now I eat my cottage cheese/tomato/cucumber salad and fat free chips with water. Anyways, I hadn’t drank enough water before my last appointment either, so they chastised me for that. However, the good news is, is that my AFP screenings all came back negative. The NP also went over the results of my big ultra sound. Half of her is measuring for a due date of 9/18 and the other half at 9/20. So they’re keeping me at 9/18. Her feet are HUGE. 2 weeks ago they were 1.5 inches long, so who knows what they are now that she weighs over a pound. So she has long legs and big feet according to the docs. She’s still sitting breeched, but that’s okay for now because she’ll probably turn later in the pregnancy. Though I tell you, those big foot kicks to my crotch and bladder are NO FUN. I’m ready for her to turn and start kicking other things. Jeff still hasn’t been able to feel her because she’s breeched, so her feet hang down so low that it’s hard to have someone feel it.

I have noticed my tummy getting harder – mainly above my belly button – but overall harder depending on the day. What a weird feeling! My weight is also shifting to my thighs, so I can’t fit in a lot of pants I try on because they won’t go over my thighs. Surprise, surprise, that’s typical for me! My face is also getting rounder, which is harder to hide from others. After losing so much weight a few years ago, I tell you this mentally makes me feel like I’m ugly and fat and my self confidence is WAY low. I wish I could just be okay with it, but it’s hard.

We’re going to register this weekend! Exciting, but I know it will be tiring. I still haven’t made a decision on the bedding. The pattern I like is online only so I have to pay an extra $50 for shipping and then if I don’t like it I have to ship it back. Guess I should start focusing on the bedding I want since the entire nursery theme goes around that and I want to work on the nursery in June.

Well that’s about it…going to take a quick stroll on my break…

20 weeks, 4 days...it's a Girl!

Yesterday was the big 20 week ultra sound! After five or so minutes of measuring and clicking the tech had Jeff come in the room so we could get a good look at the little bean. It's a girl! I didn't believe the tech at first and made her look between the legs at least 3 times to confirm. The lady seemed to know what she was doing though and I'm sure was horribly annoyed by my questioning. She said she's "perfect" and growing great. She's right on schedule for mid-September and already has long legs. The pictures of her spine were sent up to the doctor for analysis, so hopefully we'll get those results on Friday at my routine checkup. Still no word on the AFP screening - it's been 4 weeks and I have no idea if they're just slow or if that's good or bad news.

The past week and a half has been interesting. She sits pretty low most of the time, sometimes making it hard to stand after sitting or sleeping. Sometimes it's hard to stand up after peeing, my sides cramp up so tight that I can't stand straight. I'm also feeling lots of kicks really low on my cervix. It's such a bizarre feeling and startles me, especially if I'm at work.

It's been harder to be good about eating. I must have ate a pound of potato salad and 20 cookies over this past weekend! I crave a lot more soda that I used to which isn't so good for me. But no new cravings to report.

I finally took out my belly button ring - it's still weird seeing myself without it. But for some reason (to me) it makes me feel and look more pregnant. I'm still carrying in the front and really low (hence why everyone thought it was a boy) which is fine with me. When it starts spreading that means I've gained too much weight!

Lots of maternity clothes and baby shopping coming up this weekend. My parents are coming for Mother's Day and are just thrilled with the news of it being a girl.

Work is insanely busy, which is why it's been so long since my last post. Next week we leave for vacation in Seattle, so it'll be interesting experiencing traveling while pregnant!

That's it for now!

18 weeks, 5 days...

I’ve been using the Pre-natal education system and the baby seems to be responding to that great. I usually get lots of fluttering and movement which makes me happy. I keep thinking that maybe as early as in the womb I can put this baby on a “stay awake during the day / sleep at night” schedule since they’re typically nocturnal when they’re born. Probably so not true, but it’s worth a shot haha! The system is supposed to make them more lucid and relaxed yet more awake and aware after delivery. It’s also supposed to make them a calmer baby, one that sleeps better and is more relaxed. It also is supposed to give them educational benefits later in life. But, as mentioned, it’s “supposed” to do these things, so we’ll see.

Last night I was lying on my side watching TV and rubbing the left side of my stomach. All of a sudden I could actually feel fluttering against my fingertips (instead of just internal). So I decided to just poke the area and see what would happen. Within seconds I suddenly felt it kick me or hit me back, right against my hand. It startled me because I wasn’t expecting a response and I got one! It’s one of the most exciting things that’s happened so far!

I’ve also noticed that I can tell where the baby is sitting. So if I’m lying or sitting in one position for a long period of time and stand up, I feel (internally, not externally) like there’s a hardness on the left or right side of my tummy. When I start walking it seems to go away. I think it settles in somewhere when I’m at rest and then shifts when I get up again. Again, I could totally be imaging things, but I’ve never in my life felt it before. I was also a little achy when I woke up this morning. The best way to describe it is that my uterus hurt. I guess that can be attributed to all of the stretching and growing and it went away after I got in the shower and woke up a little. But it didn’t feel too good!

I’m definitely going to gain more weight this month! This past week I haven’t done so bad, but this has been my worst month for eating things I probably shouldn’t. Had a huge steak dinner with all sorts of stuff last Friday night. Today I’m giving into my Togos craving and getting an egg salad sandwich. I guess it could be worse, I could crave something fried and horrible for me every single day. But I’m really trying to only gain within my guidelines so I don’t have as much to lose after. Plus so far I’m just carrying it all in my front, so I’d like to keep it that way as long as possible!

With the weather heating up to 97 degrees on Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, I definitely got a taste for what it will be like to be pregnant during those hot summer months. It wasn’t good, haha, especially when trying to sleep at night. We went and bought two new floor fans, so we’ve been running the A/C, two floor fans, a small desktop fan, and a ceiling fan during the night. I’m starting to feel the weight on my stomach pull on my back now when I lay on my side. So I try and slide my pillow under my belly as much as possible, and my belly is getting bigger, but not big enough to sit by itself on a pillow all night. Having the body pillow between my legs feels good on my back and definitely takes some of the pressure off though. I just haven’t mastered 8 hours with the body pillow, warm weather, and a hubby and cat in bed with me.

Not having a good reaction to coffee right now. It seems to make me feel like I’m going to throw up shortly after I finish my cup. The nauseated feeling lingers for about an hour or so. It feels so bad I’ve almost gone home a few times. It’s really weird and the only thing that makes sense is that it’s the acid levels in the coffee that make me feel that way. So needless to say, I’ll be steering clear of my decaf lattes for a while.

I’m obsessed with diet caffeine free Dr. Pepper right now. Moved from Root Beer to Dr. Pepper – really weird. I never crave soda when I’m not pregnant and now I seem to more. I try and keep it to no more than 2 a week though.

Well I think that sums up week 18 pretty well. Lots of exciting changes!

17 weeks, 4 days...

This week I’ve really felt the emotional ups and downs. I can attribute that to my stressful and hectic job, I mean who in their right mind supervises 11-12 people (women) willingly? Someone who’s insane like me is who! On top of the surmounting pressure of trying to supervise all of these people, I have an insane amount of pressure to succeed, re-shape and improve this entire department. All of it, somewhat on my own with a sales guy for a director. I seriously cannot believe how many nights I toss and turn just dreaming about work. Why aren’t I a normal person who starts off supervising 1 or 2 people? What the hell was I thinking doing all of this while pregnant! Well, I know what I was thinking, I was thinking about the 5k increase to my salary that would help raise this child and the opportunity that could boost me into management in only 2-3 years. Yes, these are all awesome things, but dealing with all of this, while being pregnant is definitely not the best time of my life. My memory is so bad right now that it’s completely affecting me learning a new job. And believe me, if you use the wrong term or say the wrong thing, your employees will be the first to call you out on it. No, I am not a dumbass, I’m just pregnant, thank you. Oh and the confidence part is killing me. My boss tells me to have confidence when I speak with the director and the direct-reports, but it’s really hard to portray that when you have no idea what the hell you’re doing or talking about sometimes.

It’s also difficult to change the ways of 12 people who have been allowed to behave, work, act, talk, write pretty much any way they want over the course of the past few years. My biggest challenge is to motivate them to be the best that they can be, even if they have no aspirations of moving up in the company. How do you motivate someone to do their best if they don’t care if they do this job forever? How do you tell someone in their twenties that their grammar sucks in emails and they need to fix it so upper management doesn’t think we, as a department, are stupid? How do you get someone to treat you with respect and like you’re a supervisor? These, among millions of others, are my daily challenges, along with bosses and bosses-bosses, and bosses-bosses-bosses and being pregnant. When I don’t sleep well and I don’t feel well the last thing I want to deal with is all of this.

Home life is stressful too. There’s never enough hours in the weekend to clean the house (I can’t believe I want a bigger house in a couple of years, because without kids I can’t even maintain the one I have), to do laundry, to rest, to get outside and get some fresh air, to run millions of errands. And I don’t think my wonderful husband has quite caught onto the “I have to ask you to do it” vs “How can I help you out with that” technique. I’m concerned that when I’m 9 months pregnant I’m still going to have to ask for help cleaning or doing laundry instead of it just getting it done. Last time I checked no one asks me to do things, I just get up and do them. So I hope that currently he just feels like I’m still feeling well enough and mobile enough to continue these tasks on my own for now and that once I’m feeling like absolute crap, he’ll actually just do things without me asking. I also feel like a bump on a log. Last night I was so upset from work and so stressed out, what I would have done to just have a glass of wine so I could wind down, but I couldn’t, so I just laid down and watched TV. What a great wife I am these days…

Tummy is still growing. My round ligament pain is still pretty bad on my left side, but luckily I don’t get it daily. It’s just when I get it, I can barely walk until it calms down. Friday I turn 18 weeks so I’m going to start using that Prenatal Education System. It’s so loud, I have no idea how I’m going to use it at work once a day. I noticed a pillow masks the sound pretty well, so hopefully the two girls on either side of me won’t be able to really hear it. But since I have to do it twice daily, I have to use it once at work and once at home. Hopefully I can stick to it. Twice daily is a lot for someone on the run all of the time like me. And like I said, it’s really loud, so it’s not inconspicuous or anything haha.

I have these moments, mainly at night when I’m resting, where I just panic at the thought of this baby. Like I said above, I’m on the go so much and I’m so used to it. I wake up when I want to (kinda), I go to run errands, go to work, go to the movies, go on vacation, everything when I want to. It’s going to be so different having to schedule everything out a bit more and to “prepare” for outings and also think about if we can go to a place we want to go to. Obviously the movies will be a huge issue, we’ll need a babysitter, which we obviously don’t have haha. One of us will probably stay home for some errands to make it easier. I know that it’s like a switch that gets flipped once you have that baby in your arms, and you just suddenly have different priorities and things of importance, but I won’t lie and say it’s not a little scary. It’s even scarier since we’ll have no help. I was thinking that this will be my first birthday since I was a kid where I won’t get to celebrate with even a dinner. That’s fine, but just weird. I suppose that there’s a never ending list of things to be scared of, I mean you’re caring for another life, and I’m assuming it’s normal to be scared. I hope, lol.

Well I should get back to work. So far it’s a better day, but things didn’t get insane until this time yesterday, so we’ll see. I could use a quiet rest of the week.

Baby Bump at 16 weeks, 3 days!

:-)

16 weeks, 4 days...

Cherry Blossoms at Descanso Gardens
Originally uploaded by sweetpeameg

Had my 16 week appointment yesterday and all is going very well. My BP was 127/69, a little high on the top number, but that’s because it’s been hell at work for a week. Yesterday was a stressful day, so I just knew my BP would be up a little. I only gained 2 pounds! So that’s only 3 total the whole pregnancy and the Nurse Practitioner who saw me was very pleased. I’m pleased with myself! Look out cheeseburger, we have a date on Saturday! They didn’t say anything about my urine test for protein, so I’m guessing it was okay.

We were hoping to find out the sex of the baby yesterday, but it didn’t work out. At first she was just going to listen to the heartbeat, but she couldn’t get it on the ancient Doppler device they were using, so she had to do an ultrasound. Baby was lying on its tummy curled up in the fetal position. At first he/she had its head down looking down at my uterus, but then turned to look right at us. We saw the spine and ribs which was really crazy and then also saw the little heartbeat going like crazy. Crown to rump the baby is 4 inches and she said the legs should be another 3 (but I don’t think she knew what she was talking about, they’re probably more like an inch or so). Saw a foot waving around, but we couldn’t get it to move to see the gender. C’est la vie, guess we’re waiting until May 4th! Oh well it’ll save me another month of going on a shopping spree for clothes and accessories haha.

Had my blood drawn for Second Trimester Testing. Not sure how long it will be before I get the results. I’m assuming if something’s wrong they’ll call right away, if not then I’ll probably get a letter like I did the first trimester. Hopefully we’ll get that within 10 days so I’m not so nervous.

I’m doing a lot better this week. I’ve been getting a lot more sleep and I only get up 2, maybe 3 times a night to use the restroom. I am now hooked on pickles though!! I knew it was coming because I love them anyways, and now it’s arrived. I went through a whole jar in 3 days. Luckily I have a backup jar that will get me through the weekend lol. No new cravings though the stuff I really love I just want more and more of. I’m actually going for a smoothie at lunch today (yay for Acai Berry!) and what I wouldn’t do right now to have a big fat cheeseburger and fries. But I was a fry-lover way before my pregnancy; I just seem to think about them more now.

The baby is still fluttering around like crazy. Although the Nurse Practitioner did not believe me when I told her I could feel it. She looked at me like “this girl’s crazy, it’s probably gas.” But all of the reading I did on “quickening” it sounds like I’m feeling it! And other people who are as far along as me feel the same thing, so whatever! It no longer freaks me out feeling it like “something’s wrong” – it now makes me feel reassured that everything is right. It’s made it a little more real and now I’m starting to dream and think more about when we actually have the baby and bring it home. Jeff and I talk about things like signing him/her up for a Gymboree class or a play group, going to the park and having lunches a few times a week, family vacations we’ll be able to take in another year, etc. This whole new world has opened up and I feel like I can see beyond the pregnancy. It makes me think a lot about my childhood and our trips to the beach, going hunting for Easter eggs, playing in the backyard and running around in the sprinklers. All of those things I miss so much and long to have back, I will be able to re-live through my child.

I really don’t know what I would do without my friends and my parents at this point. Everyone is so great and so excited for us and it’s just amazing. There are some family members that we wish were more excited, more involved, or actually would stay in touch, and that’s really disappointing, but it is what it is. It’s so nice to know that my closest friends are just like aunts and uncles to our unborn baby. That’s priceless and means the world to us and we appreciate every one of you!

That’s about it for this week. Every week when the baby has baked another 7 days and I feel pretty good is a fantastic week for me!

15 weeks, 4 days...

Yes, it’s been a busy week. I think I’d classify last night as my worst “pregnancy night” since I’ve been pregnant. (And yes I know there’s many, many more to come.) Of course it had to be my worst night leading up to month and quarter end when I’m required to work a 12+ hour day. I’ve been noticing that since Friday night I’ve been sleeping really light, like little noises wake me up and I’m just not in a deep sleep. Last night I was so exhausted I got into bed at 7:40. I couldn’t get comfortable and I was tossing and turning and couldn’t sleep. I also notice now that I get a slight fluttering in my belly, mainly when I’m lying down. I think it’s the baby moving. So the fluttering and not being able to get comfortable just contributed to my insomnia. I think I fell asleep a little before 9:30 and then woke up at 11 because I realized Jeff wasn’t in our room and I was worried he hadn’t made it home okay from Softball. So I got up, went pee, looked for him and he was home, so relieved I laid back down. Another hour of tossing, turning and fluttering happened before I finally fell asleep. Within 5 minutes of falling asleep Jeff came up the stairs to go to bed and woke me up. So I laid there again until 12:30 and finally exhausted and frustrated, I finally just broke down into tears. It’s so hard being so insanely tired but not being able to sleep. So Jeff told me he’d sleep downstairs and I went back up and tried to fall back to sleep again. I think I fell asleep just after 1 when Belle woke me up at 2:30. She was walking all over me, meowing, wandering around aimlessly and getting into things. So at 3 I fell back to sleep again, only to wake up at around 5:15. From there I was only able to dose in and out until the alarm went off. I have a pretty bad headache right now, mainly because I’m tired and I’m sure the lighting in this dreary place doesn’t help.

The fluttering. It started a couple of days ago. “Fluttering” is the best way to describe it because it’s like a spasm, but not so severe. Sometimes I also feel a hard spot or pressure on a specific side or low in my stomach when I stand up from sitting to long. I’m guessing that’s the baby? The fluttering seems to be the worst when I’m lying down. It doesn’t really seem to happen at work or when I’m standing. It’s a really, really bizarre feeling. It sometimes scares me and I panic like something might be wrong. I think I watch too many of those medical shows and I’m becoming super paranoid. You spend your entire first trimester hoping you don’t miscarry and then of course you still worry about that in your second, but now you start thinking about “is my baby going to be born healthy?” or “is my baby going to be born premature?” and all sorts of other questions. I try not to think about it because all it can do is drive you insane and make you think that every flutter is something bad.

My belly is weird. Some days it feels harder and some days it just feels like flab. I totally don’t get that. When does it harden completely so I can stop looking fat and start looking pregnant?

Looking at the registry list is completely overwhelming. Our house seemed so big to us at one time and as we look at baby stuff it all seems to be closing in fast. A bouncer, pack n play, activity mat, swing, jumper…where will all of this go in my tiny family room? Oh and a high chair! It’s going to completely take over our downstairs! It’s all so insane – I think the baby market does just as good in this economy as the wedding market. There’s plenty of crap you probably don’t need, but you buy anyways! At least I’m putting limited furniture in the nursery itself so some stuff can stay in there and just come downstairs as need be.

Breast feeding. So I’ve thought more about this recently and I think I’ve made a decision. So, if the baby takes to it and is being fed well I’ll probably do breast feeding for a couple of months and supplement with formula if our schedule doesn’t have time for pumping or feeding. I think I’ll wean the baby off of breast milk when it gets close to the time I’m going to go back to work and then I’ll put the baby on formula once I go back to work. I made this decision because I just don’t want to be pumping for 6 months to a year, twice a day (or more), at work. It’s way too awkward for me. I also made this decision because Jeff will be at home caring for the baby when I’m at work and it will just make it easier for him to feed the baby whenever and wherever. The WHEREVER thing is huge. Props to the women who are confident enough to whip it out in public and do their thing, but that’s not for me. Maybe I’ll feel different once the baby is here, but as of right now, I’m really about the grab and go convenience of formula. I don’t want to buy a bottle cooler and heater for my car, I don’t want to have to nurse in public and I don’t want to have to pump at work. It’s fine while I’m at home on maternity leave, but after then, I’m switching 100% over to formula. I was reading that most of the formulas now have DHA in them which is excellent. A lot of breast feeding mothers can be quite harsh on non-breast feeding mothers (which I think is ridiculous – to each her own) about the breast being the best because of brain development (and all sorts of other things that are really not proven). By adding DHA into the formula it’s giving the child an extra developmental boost that’s excellent for brain and eye development. I have total confidence in formula and I’m not worried at all. I was a formula child, my nephews both are and all of us turned out great!

Well that’s my topics for now. I have a 12 - 13 hour day ahead of me so who knows what else may come!

15 weeks, 2 days...

I'm wondering how often this feeling will come. It's probably pregnancy hormones, but I feel insanely sad today about being alone. Being alone meaning all of my close family and friends are not here. This came about as I tried on bras at the maternity store yesterday. There were loads of pregnant women in there with their moms and friends, all of them picking out clothes and helping them along, telling them what looks good, what looks bad, what's cute. I, on the other hand, had the store clerk helping me fit into the appropriate bra because I had no one else to give me advice. That was really hard and the first time this entire pregnancy I've actually realized that I don't really have anyone here besides Jeff to share the daily experiences with and of course since he's the dad, that's great, but there's some things that it's hard for him to get excited about and some things he just can't help out with, like bras, clothes, food cravings, the little minute details like bottles, baby wipes and formulas.
Today seems really hard. Jeff's gone golfing and I'd like nothing more but to see some friends or my mom, but instead I'm cleaning, doing the grocery shopping and making dinner. I think the nice weather also contributes to the need to just get out, even if it's just for lunch or to window shop.
I just wonder what it'll be like when we deliver the baby. I know Alicia and Jeff's mom will try and get down here, but if they can't, isn't it sad to think that no one will be in the waiting room for us?
I know this whole thing is ridiculous. Lisa delivered Aubrey in Idaho with no one but Philip and Laura and most of my friends don't have their moms nearby, so why am I making such a big deal?
I guess it's just a lot of first time changes and experiences that sometimes excite me and sometimes scare me. I can't share those all with Jeff because it's just not the same as a mom or a girlfriend. He doesn't really GET it and I'm not sure what I mean by that, but I'm sure most women know what I'm talking about.

On another brief note, I'm pretty convinced it's a boy. I don't know why, but I am. I looked at boy bedding and clothes yesterday at Babies R Us. They had a cute Classic Mickey pattern that I would love to use! I also think I finally found a pattern I like for the travel system, playard and swing. We'll probably start registering in either late April or May (depending on our schedules, we're pretty busy) and I sure hope the registry people have a good list for me to follow because I'm pretty clueless right now what I need! I did get a really good body pillow yesterday though. Cost me an arm and a leg though, it better last through a kid or two!

Well, I'm going to go cook some breakfast and pick up the kitchen and family room. Task 1 of the many I have ahead of me today. I actually feel better now...

Baby Bump

This is 14 weeks, 6 days...this week I've noticed it a lot more than I have in the past couple of weeks.

14 weeks, 5 days...

Pretty quiet week, except for the bulging tummy. It’s becoming more noticeable (it seems like every day), especially at night when I’m moving around. Obviously I can’t feel the baby move yet, but it’s really apparent something is in there. It feels different when I stretch, lean over, move, and bend over. It’s just this odd feeling that’s never been there before. I wonder if that’s mental or real…?

Woke up last night with a bout of nausea in the middle of the night. It typically goes away when I sit up, so I just slept sitting up for a bit and then it was gone. Sleep is better now, though it won’t be what it was until this kid is a year old! But I don’t get up as much, only about 3 times a night instead of 5 or 6. I think I made it through one night over the weekend with only having to get up twice. That’s huge considering I sleep for the better part of 10 hours on weekends because I’m so exhausted from the week.

Eating more, but not. What I mean is that I’m consuming more food because I’m hungry more frequently, but I’m getting really fully before I finish my plate during dinner. Which is not normal for me HAHA. I need to learn to stop when I’m full! No weird cravings though. I’m pleased that I’m not having them, but I wish I could have just one to know what it feels like. I’m still really into juice, but the yogurt thing has dropped off. The doc wants me to drink lots of water and that’s fine, I love water, but I also want lots of juice and milk too. I love having milk with dinner because it also helps everything go down and helps reduce the heartburn. I have been into bagels and cream cheese a lot lately. I feel like I can eat them five times a day and never get tired of them. Weird.

Ligament pain has kicked up over this past week. I had it a bit around 10 weeks, but now it’s back. It’s more of an annoying feeling than anything, but kind of hurts too.

Went shopping over the weekend with Shannon and man was it depressing. I wanted to try on so many cute things for summer and spring, but had to stick to stuff that was big in the belly. No maternity stores at the Northridge mall either! Got two cute shirts I can wear probably until around 6 or 7 months and then wear after and even once I lose the weight. Got some leggings too which will be helpful during summer time, since I’m not a short dress person. What I really need is a bra to get me through until I pick up some maternity bras. My cheapy Wal-Mart fake sports bras are just not doing me any good. Think I’ll look at Target this weekend.

Work, is work. It has its moments of insanity and then it has these dull boring moments where time just doesn’t move. Eventually it will all change into a steady pace, but for now I’m having a hard time keeping myself awake. My desk is nice and big, but in a dark corner, so the lighting is a real drag-me-down and hurts my eyes and most of the time gives me a headache. I miss having people to go to lunch with or a nice cafeteria to walk over to in this nice weather. I try and walk 2-3 times a week on my lunch break and it’s not a big walk, but at least I’m trying. Think I’ll try and make it longer today just to get the exercise and to get out of here longer. I think I’ll also take my lunch into my car with my book and sit in there on my break. This whole building is just horrible! The lunch room is dark even! So at least if I sit in my car I can feel the nice breeze and the sun on my skin. I should try and enjoy it now because it’s going to be hotter than hell before I know it and I’ll be really pregnant and definitely not wanting to take a walk! I look at Serena who is about to have a baby by the end of this week, and she looks only 7 months pregnant because she goes to the gym every day! I don’t know how she goes to the gym every day! I mean she doesn’t work, so that helps, but still…I just hate the gym so much and I’d hate it even more at 39 weeks pregnant! I know the docs say you should walk a half hour a day 5 times a week, but is that really a realistic goal when you work full time or live somewhere where the climate is insanely hot 6 months of the year? It’s not for me because I’m too tired to wake up early to walk and too tired and hungry when I get off work to walk, so the best time for me to go is lunch and I work in the industrial center and it’s not the greatest area to walk for a half hour. And there’s no way I could do it 5 times a week.

Names. I could come up with girls’ names all day long, but the boys’ names are a little harder. We’ve narrowed it down to either Aaden or Conner, but fall short on middle names that flow. In keeping with Jeff’s family tradition we are doing two middle names per child, so this is even more difficult because I can’t even think of one middle name or at least one we can agree on. I really like Aaden Cole or Aaden Jeffrey, but he doesn’t. And with Conner, I have no idea. Originally it was going to be Conner William Christian Happ – after his great grandfather, but now he’s decided not to do that. And for a girl we’re definitely set on Olivia.

Still trying to make a decision on the Lamaze classes, but I think we’re leaning towards no. Kaiser has two programs for childbearing and one is 5 sessions and the other is 3. Considering the hospital is not exactly right down the street from us and these classes are a couple hours after work in the middle of the week, it just doesn’t sound appealing. I’m sure they’re really informational, but I figure there’s been many mothers before me (including my own) who didn’t take classes and still raised their kids just fine, so I’m sure it will be the same for me! We are going to do the hospital tour, but probably not until June or July when I’m actually really showing and I think it will be fun. There is one class I am interested in and that’s the Baby Care Basics class where you learn how to care for newborns. This one you just show up to and it’s free, so maybe I’ll think about that one. I wonder out of the many women that give birth in the U.S. every year, what percentage of them actually takes a Lamaze class? Just doesn’t seem as necessary as 20 years ago I suppose! I’d be willing to hear the positive things about taking it though and if it’s really worth it!

Well I’ve rambled enough for today, especially with a thankfully quiet week.

Make a pregnancy ticker

13 weeks, 6 days...

Originally written: March 19, 2009

Interesting week. The weekend was good and I had a good amount of energy. But Sunday night around 8pm I was on the phone with my friend Liz and suddenly got this intense wave of nausea. I got off the phone with her and tried to lay down, but it made it worse. I tried to focus on the TV and not pay attention, but it just wouldn't go away. Drank some water and still nothing. I couldn't even brush my teeth before bed because I just knew I'd gag on the toothbrush. I was surprised that I could even stand mouth wash! That entire night I felt nauseous on and off. It seemed to have dissipated the following morning but around 9am came back again. It was on and off throughout the day, despite what I ate and my preggie pop drops. Never before have the preggie pops not helped - they've been magic! But Tuesday morning I felt a lot better and haven't felt that way since. People at work are like "are you feeling okay?" and I tell them I'm nauseous or whatever and they say "well you're through your first trimester, so it shouldn't be happening anymore." Well I'm not lying! Some women get it a lot longer, geeeez!

My hunger has stayed about the same. If I eat breakfast, then a snack, then lunch, then a snack and then dinner, I'm fine. That equals out to food about every 2 - 3 hours. No new cravings, though I did tell Jeff that pancakes with M&M's in them would be good.

Speaking of M&M's did I already speak about the access saliva incident? Yeah, so pregnant women experience an increased amount of saliva and apparently I am not prone to that symptom because I feel like a freakin' camel spitting all of the time (I only do it at home when no one's around haha), but it's becoming an issue at work. Last week I was standing at Vanessa's desk talking to her and Kara and I picked up some M&M's from Vanessa's candy jar. I was talking and chewing on them and all of a sudden a rainbow waterfall of drool (saliva) comes sliding out of my mouth and down onto my shirt. I mean.......really???? Was I born in a barn? Awesome impression on my new employees too. And it's completely uncontrollable! It's not like I can do anything about it, I didn't know it was happening until it was halfway between my bottom lip and my shirt.

Been looking at baby stuff online. Even though we're finding out the sex ahead of time we're still getting all gender neutral "gear." Only because the gear will carry onto the next child so I don't want them to be stuck with a specific color. The nursery itself will be gender specific including the bedding and paint color. We're also going to have to get two bases for the snap in car seat because we'll need a base in each car. These are all of my realizations this week haha.

So I think my mom has decided on a July 25th shower date. We had to decide early because I have friends and family coming from out of town and some of them are looking to extend their stay and are asking now so they can block off vacation time at work and watch flights for good deals. It's hard with everyone living an hour away or more. I don't want to be the bitch who went against all etiquette and planned her own shower but my mom has kind of thrown that back on me a bit. We're hoping to have most of the nursery done by then so people who attend can come up and take a look. We'll probably start working on the nursery in June. We have to install a fan, donate and get rid of some furniture, clean out the closets, paint, and I have to find some way to get my childhood toy chest from my parents so I can re-finish it for the nursery. I think April will be the quietest month for us until the baby comes!

Think I'll move this blog over to blogspot with the rest of my blog entries from this year and last. That way it's all in one place! For any readers you will now be able to find my blogs at: http://sweetpeameg.blogspot.com/ - bookmark my journey!

13 weeks, 0 days...

Originally written: March 13, 2009

Big week this week! Gradually other people and myself are starting to notice my little baby bump. I'm starting to feel like it is a bump and not just flab. My tummy is starting to itch more too, which means the skin is stretching. Good thing Lisa sent me some body butter for a gift! I can still button two pairs of work pants, but choose not to, just because it's not comfortable. I put on the Bella Band instead. My jeans still fit fine because they were big on me to begin with, so no worries there for at least another month or so. I'm hungrier now, noticing that I have to eat something every two hours or my stomach just aches and growls at me.

On Tuesday, March 10th we had our 12 week appointment and it went excellent. The baby is measuring exactly the right size for being 13 weeks. The ultra sound was so much fun and a HUGE change since the 8 week one. Our little bean now looks like a little person! It has arms, legs, feet, toes, fingers, eyes, nose, mouth and a very definite shape to it. The doctor pressed on my stomach and we got to watch it move all around, flailing its arms and legs and it even turned over on its side and put its back to us! We also got to see a shot of the top of the head to see the "butterfly shape" of the brain. And you could see the umbilical cord on the screen. So exciting!

I've only gained one pound and they asked me to drink a bit more water because there's a little too much protein in my urine. Blood pressure was good at 100/70. I got back on April 6th for my 16 week.

I feel, ok. Depends on the day. I'm still not sleeping very well. It seems when I finally fall into a deep sleep, the alarm goes off and I have to drag myself out of bed. It's been busy with the new job at work, so by the end of the night I'm really tired and can hardly keep my eyes open. The heartburn is getting worse, happening almost every night now. I try and sit up a lot in bed, but I'm so tired my head just falls down to the side. I usually pop a TUMS and feel a lot better. The feeling of food stuck in my throat and chest depends on the day. It's not every day like last week and has subsided a little bit, but is still happening. I hate that worse than heartburn because it makes me gag on things like my toothbrush.

My parents made flight reservations to come down over Mother's Day weekend. By then we'll know the sex and be able to go do some shopping. It's going to be so much fun getting the nursery together. Guess I should make April my Spring Cleaning/Get my Donations Together month! We have a lot of extra furniture stored in that room that I think we'll donate for a tax write off. Then maybe we can paint it in June so it kind of looks put together before my shower in July.

Random things I craved this week (some lasted for days, some lasted for 5 mins and went away) are:
Fruit Smoothie - and I don't mean that sugar-loaded crap that Jamba makes, like actual natural fruit smoothies either plain or with yogurt. Finally, after 3 days, got mine today. Cranberry, Strawberry, Banana and Ice. Perfect. :-)
Cheesy popcorn - yes like that stuff that's so good it turns your fingers orange and comes in a pretty tin at Xmas time. Yum!
Cheeseburgers - still in the back of my head every day, though I don't feel like I'm going to die without one. There's simply just never a moment when that doesn't sound good! Tomorrow we'll go to Red Robin and get my monthly cheeseburger and I will be happy again for another 4 weeks haha.
Neapolitan Ice Cream - this started last Friday night because I wanted something to ease my indigestion, but I didn't want milk (besides we drink non-fat and that has no impact on the gagging feeling in my throat). I wanted strawberry, then I wanted chocolate, then I wanted vanilla...so Jeff came back from the store with Neapolitan so I had all three. Quite yummy.
Root Beer - this has been going on for a couple of weeks now. Let me just note that I NEVER drink Root Beer. It's ok, just not my favorite kind of soda, tastes a little funny...well over the past 2-3 weeks I'm obsessed with it. So I finally bought myself some diet stuff so I can treat myself every weekend to one. Good thing it's caffeine free or I'd be in trouble.

Well that's all I can think of for my entire 12th week. Today's day 1 of Week 13 (I don't get why some books/sites say I still have another week in my first trimester, meaning the second trimester starts on week 14 and other books/sites say my second trimester starts today since my 12th week is now complete...???). I'm really looking forward to the next couple months as we find out the sex of the baby, have visits with friends and family, and a trip to Washington and Canada on tap. We also get to start planning a theme for the nursery which will be a lot of fun.