The Season of Giving or Guilt?

This week I've been overwhelmed by so many people who have given to me and my children for this Holiday season. So many surprises like a gift card to take Olivia to see a movie, handmade jewelry, a handmade chalkboard serving tray I've been wanting, yummy homemade treats...the list goes on and on.

Not only is it the season of GIVING, but it's also the season of GUILT.  Yes, guilt over eating and gaining the few pounds back I just lost, but also the guilt of not being able to buy for everyone, especially everyone that gives to us.  As I've mentioned in previous posts this is Jeff's 5th Christmas not working full time so he can finish school and pursue a better career and a life that will afford us to save for our retirement and put our children through school.  Every year I've had to get creative with my time and my budget to make sure that at least our family (parents/grandparents/aunts, etc.) are able to open something on Christmas day and also that it's something special.  We're typically not able to give them more than 1 or 2 things and because of this I also cannot buy for my friends.

Who has "Giving Guilt?"  What does that even mean?  For me it means the act of feeling guilty when someone gifts to me or my family but I cannot give to them.  Based on my past experience with certain people who've been in and out of my life, there are certain individuals who actually DO expect a gift in return when they give to you.  They apparently also think money grows on trees and since they have some and have never struggled, it doesn't even occur to them that others may not be as fortunate as they are.  I'm sure Santa can also deliver a Unicorn if you want one bad enough.

So what does the Holiday Season mean to me besides the added pounds on my hips and the guilt of not being able to give?  The Holidays for me are a time to step away from our every day routines and just spend time with the people we love.  For my family that usually includes a lot of yummy foods, alcohol, traditions new and old, lots of pictures, quite a few movies and LOTS of laughter.  I grew up spending every Christmas Eve with a big family with lots of great food and laughter and these are the traditions I'll be passing onto my children.

I spoke to a close friend and even if she doesn't know it yet, a mentor. She simply told me that all that matters "is that you love people and yourself. There is no price tag...there is no amount of anything in this world that compares. You have to remember that the person gifting is gifting themselves just by the act alone. People never know how much you care until you show them how much [and] that doesn't come in form of a gift...It shows in actions...in loyalty...in truth."

She's right. If someone is going to get hung up on the fact that I can't give a gift back to them, then are they really worth it? Sometimes with people in our life we don't have a choice to write them off, they could be family or people you work closely with, but maybe you just don't invest any more in that relationship if this is their attitude.

Will this stop me from feeling guilty next year? I don't know. But I do know that I don't feel worthy of all of these gifts so I will work extra hard next year to be the best person I can be to show these people that all year long I have something to give back.

Happy Holidays from all of us to you.

Narcissism

I feel like it wasn't until my 30s when I could sort through the personalities I often (or sometimes not-so-often) interact with in life. I really thought everything was more black and white and that every person was a good person inside. If they weren't being a good person to me then maybe they were just having a tough time, or maybe they just didn't like ME and I was the common factor. With some people it's taken me years to figure out the root of why they are the way they are and in the end, stop blaming myself.

As long as I can remember I always wanted people to like me. Ultimately it's the driving factor in why I still talk to people I don't care for, but it's also the reason why I strive to be the best of the best. I want people to like my [photography] work, so I am careful with detail and make sure everything's perfect before delivery. I want people to like the quality of work I put out at my day-job and to know I'm reliable and a hard worker. But I also want people to like me in my personal life. I strive hard to be the friend I would like to have for myself. Someone who is reliable (not flaky), someone who can be there when it's a tough time, but also there to be silly and have fun times. I know what it feels like to have people leave you all alone when you really just need someone to talk to. I think this empathetic personality has also brought myself and some people closer.

Because I strive to be this way, it's been hard for me to understand the concept of people who are all about themselves. In fact I didn't even know it existed really until recently. And with this I don't mean people who look in the mirror and say "I look awesome." I'm talking about people who have no regard or care for others because they can't see past themselves; AKA a Narcissist. Unfortunately most narcissists (actually probably all) don't know that they are this way. They don't see themselves as the common denominator and believe it has to be the people around them. They are not self-sacrificing, they don't understand that everyone has different circumstances in their job...in their life...whatever it may be. They only see how it effects them. Wikipedia states one of the traits as the "inability to view the world from the perspective of other people." Makes sense because that's how I live my life at least 90% of the time.

Unfortunately because I'm empathetic, people who are narcissists are successful in making me feel guilty and are able to convince me to do things (like spend money I don't have) to keep them happy. It's hard to be honest with a narcissist because they don't see why it just can't be their way. That definitely goes along another trait Wikipedia lists: "using other people without considering the cost of doing so." You can't always assume that other people are in the same position as you. Being kind, be caring and also be courteous...think of someone else besides YOURSELF and what you want. If we all got what we wanted and every decision that was made in life was ours, then what the hell are we working for? Why do we have friends and family?

The other thing I've noticed about some narcissists is that they're FAKE. They like things to be for "show" and not for real. They'd rather pretend that everything is perfect than actually deal with the issues at hand. They blame others instead of just owning their mistakes. They don't like when people question them or have another idea that is not theirs, so they will in turn hate you and think every little thing you do is malicious. They are flattered by people who reaffirm them and stick close to those people so it feeds into their ego. Wiki again: "Flattery towards people who admire and affirm them." Why hang around people who know your game and don't let you always do what you want, when you can go hang with someone who always tells you how awesome you are? You can NEVER question a narcissist because even if you're using the nicest, sweetest voice/text/email, they will still see it as questioning their being. How dare you question them?

It is interesting though. Some of these people do ask me how I am doing, what's going on in my life, my business, my work. Whether they're actually listening and interested I'm not sure...they could just be fake. But that's fine. What gets me is spending time with someone who never asks me how I'm doing. Granted my life is far from exciting but it gets old being the person who has to ask all of the questions. Some of the narcissistic people I've met I also get a sense of "entitlement" oozing from their self-centered soul. I think the entitlement is also the recognition and admiration they strive for. They are selfish: "I did this for you, now what are you going to do for me?" Whereas I believe in the golden rule of doing unto others as you would have others do unto you. Relationships are 50/50 but in times of tragedy, grief, stress, etc. the ratio may change for a bit and then go back to 50/50.

The reason for this post...well...there's many...but one of them being that it's holiday time it reminded me of how gifts are very important for some people and not so much for others. That constant pressure of getting out holiday cards, making sure I've gotten gifts for everyone, making sure it all arrives or is wrapped and ready on time...it's horrible. This will be our 5th Christmas with Jeff not employed full-time. The expectation (sometimes from the narcissistic people) is that I will still have a gift for them. Why? Because they love getting gifts and to not send a gift means you don't care. What they really don't know is, I don't want or need a gift either. I just don't understand this cycle of "I'm going to get you a gift, so you get me one." What's the point? I don't measure how much people care about me from a card or a gift. I measure it by the good times we have together, the laughter we share, how much you care for my children and show them love...how much you love me even though my house is a mess and my kids are screaming their heads off...how you don't care that I need to eat dinner by 7 because I have to go to bed by 11 to get up with the kids...the fact that wine and takeout is a perfectly acceptable night because it's cheap and fun...the fact that you tell me thank you when I cook for you, drive you somewhere, help YOU out too... There's an ecard going around online that says that true friends/family you don't need to talk to all the time, you just pick up where you left off last time and that could be a year or two later. I completely agree.

I have much more to say about this but I'm going to end it here. My budget is blown and I have tons of responsibilities to tend to tonight, but it's one of my good friend's birthdays and I'm going to put that aside to be there for her and take her out to dinner. She's been there for me time and time again and loves me and my family no matter what circumstances we're under. It's my turn to be there for her and celebrate her.

Cheers, Meg

Wikipedia References

Perfectionism: A blessing or a curse?

I've often wondered if the OCD Perfectionist in me is the reason why I've always been drawn to photography. Photography is a work of art and just like musicians feel like they could have played or sung a lyric better, and actors feel they could have read a line better, photographers often feel like every shot could have been better. Or at least most of them.

Every day we often feel less than who we are "supposed" to be. Who sets these expectations for us? Other people. I have this constant battle of being less than perfect, especially when it comes to parenting. I swore my kids would eat all-organic, never watch too much Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, would never eat a ton of sweets...and all of that completely went to hell once I realized how hard (and how expensive) it is to raise children while working full time and also being a wife, friend, daughter, etc. And somewhere along the way I lost myself and in the past 5 years I've taken a journey to find myself again, but in that process I had to accept that I'm not perfect.

It's hard accepting that you're not perfect when you feel like every day you're surrounded by perfect people who just ooze their awesomeness. This includes comparing yourself to very seasoned photographers, even though you know you shouldn't be, because frankly, everyone had to start somewhere. When I learn something new or strive to get better at something I've been doing for a while, I always want to be the best of the best and I'm hard on myself when I'm not. It often makes me feel like I've failed. Especially since your customer is expecting great results for the amount of money they've paid.

From a shoot I did this past weekend
So when it comes to Photography, is Perfectionism a Blessing or a Curse? How long do you spend touching up the most minute defect on a photo? How long do you kick yourself because that perfect smile came out just a little blurry? The answer is I don't know. I guess more importantly is that I've found something that I feel like I can say I'm good at that actually allows me to use this curse of perfectionism as a blessing.

Meg

Four Years (another kid, a new house and the startup of my business) Later

I can't believe it's been 4 years since I sat here and wrote a post. My passion for writing had been non-stop since I was 19 until the beauty and challenges of parenthood took over every aspect of my life. I once wrote, read books, watched movies and slept 9 hours a night (11 on weekends). Now? Not so much. Actually, not at all.

Four years later we have another beautiful daughter, Isabella, and she will be turning 1 year old tomorrow. Her pregnancy was rough because I was high risk (as most of you know since Olivia was almost 6 weeks early). Her first few months were rough too including one trip to the ER and 6 days in the hospital because she caught one of Olivia's colds at 3 weeks old.

One year later I'm working on building my photography career, maintaining my current career as a Business Analyst and also being a full time Mommy, Daughter and Wife. Juggling these days seems more like I'm just surviving. Each day passes so quickly and this year has flown by quicker than any other in my life.

About a year ago when Jeff got accepted to nursing school I realized that when he reaches his goal and we're finally financially stable, I need to figure out what I want to do with the rest of my life. Of course I'd be happy to stay where I'm currently working (if they want me) but I didn't spend all of those years in school to be a Business Analyst. At this point a year ago I decided to set myself a 10 year goal of finally running a photography business out of my home.

About 7 months ago I decided to just start photographing people, really, for the first time in my life. Honestly my passion is travel and landscape photography, but not many married-mom's-of-2 can make a career out of traveling for a living. Sure, I'd taken pictures of people before, but it was in passing and I hadn't really tried. In my opinion portrait photography is one of the hardest because you have to deal with lighting and shadows, which is challenging when you don't quite have the money to build a business yet.

Because I learn very well visually and from trial and error I just decided to start studying photographs on Pinterest and then practicing on my kids and anyone else who wanted to be my guinea pig. Since April I've already done 8 successful shoots for several friends. Each time I've learned something different with shooting or with editing. I'm beginning to get more comfortable as people are happy with the results. My portfolio used to just include Macro, Landscape and Travel Photography and it now also includes...Maternity, Birth, Newborn, Family and Headshots. Not bad for less than a year of work.

My next steps for the end of 2013 and for 2014 and beyond?

1.) Begin blogging again (check!)
2.) Launch a website
3.) Book more clients
4.) Get an indoor lighting "kit"
5.) Get a backdrop stand


...beyond...


1.) Get a bigger, better, faster, clearer computer (iMac)
2.) Turn the baby's room into my office


I look forward to sharing my journey with you!
- Meg

PS. A shout-out to Chanel for letting me know at least one person read my blog posts. I knew I needed to get going again for not only my career, but ME, and you've kicked my butt into gear. xoxo.