The Tale of Two Careers

If you would have told me 10.5 years ago when I graduated college that not only would I be a wife, mother of two, and the bread-winner in my family, all whilst working in two industries that I did not get my diploma in, I would have told you that you were crazy.

I spend 40 hours a week and sometimes travel and have been for the past 10 years at one of the leading Biomedical Device Manufacturers’ in the world.  I love my job.  I love the people here.  I love the culture.  I love my boss.  I love my peers.  I love my easy commute.  I love that I don’t have to kiss anyone’s ass to “make it” (as I would have in the former industry I worked in).  I also spend 20 or so hours a week building a business that I set out two years ago to be a full-time income by the year 2023.

I spend my mornings, nights, part of my weekdays, and all of my weekends being a full-time mommy.  Somewhere in there I try and give 110% to being a wife, a daughter, a daughter-in-law, a niece, a friend and a granddaughter.  Needless to say there aren't enough hours in the day.

In this post I want to focus on my career…well…my careerS.  Is it possible to have two careers?  Can I juggle both whilst dealing with the commitment to my family and friends?  Which career comes first?  These are all questions I’ve had as we start 2015 and I begin building my business even more this year, taking my equipment and art to another level and pushing myself to learn more and be better.

I started thinking about this in December as I was writing my annual review of myself for my boss.  It asked me what my goals for my career were and what I need from my boss to get better.  Over the last few months I hadn't focused much on my full time career; I always deliver on time or early, try and step it up a notch with what I provide, always take on new tasks and challenges with a smile on my face…but I hadn't spent much time growing myself.  I realized that in those same months it’s because I began taking myself up a notch in the Photography world.  I stared at the blank page and blinking curser, confused on what to write.  It’s like at that moment it finally hit me that I won’t be at my full time job forever.  So what’s my career goals then?  Do I just continue down my same path until Photography can be my full-time job or do I actually actively pursue both careers with 110% of my heart and soul?  I had to close down the document on my computer for a few days and really think this over…

Last summer, as I was questioning if I should really give up photography or not, I met some new people (other photographers) and also acquired some life-long “fans” (as I would call them).  Photography is very much meant for people who constantly strive to be better, find every little thing they did wrong with a shot, and then push themselves to get better and be better.  This suits my personality well because I always feel like I can grow, be better, learn more and that this process will never stop and I’m unquestionably hard on myself by nature.  It will be like that until the day I never pick up a camera again.  So with the help of other photogs and the cheering from my small “fan” base, I decided not to quit and to keep going.  But to keep going I had to take it up a notch.  Really grab the reigns and start learning my camera better, the software better, lighting better…and it worked.  It made me more confident and really pushed me from an amateur into the very beginnings of a professional photographer.  Since then I've been working hard to get my galleries up and running on a nicer page, my website updated, a studio management app put into place to help me with invoicing, client management, quotes and questionnaires.  I've also been pushing myself like crazy to get better with my camera.  Because of that, within a few months I outgrew my trusty t3i “mom-camera” (name assigned by the photog’s in the industry, not me) and upgraded to a Canon 6D and with a Sigma 1.4 lens.  What does this mean to those of you who aren't photogs?  It means my camera f***ing rocks and I finally have a grown-up piece of equipment to match what I’m striving for. 

The only thing that I unfortunately can’t work on right now is my client base.  I still go almost 100% off word-of-mouth and referrals because I just don’t have the time right now to a.) promote & advertise myself like crazy – this requires me to work at this job full time and I can’t with another full time job + a family and b.) find the time to do more shoots than I currently do all while working full time, being a mom, wife, etc.  I also set a goal that I didn't want to actively seek out strangers on my own until I felt like my work was up-to-par and competitive with other photographers in my market.  My prices are slightly lower for a reason – I’m still learning.  And my client base is small for a reason – I’m still learning and not confident enough in myself to compete in a market with people who are more talented than me.  It will probably take another year under my belt before I can really start going after clients and competing in my market at another level.  I’m also still in the very beginning stages of learning how to run a business.  Learning to run a full-fledged business while bettering your craft and advertising yourself is a 40+ hour a week job in itself.

It’s two days later and I've opened up the document about my career goals for my boss.  I decide that I do need some career growth at my full time job because I've been doing what I do for 3 years and it’s time to take it up a notch as far as my knowledge and the pay.  I, however, know that I want to take on a role that fits and not something that will bleed into my personal life (and my photography career) like previous positions I've held.  I take a blend of what I already know and what I've been working on this past year and decide that I’d like to go for a Project Manager career path, if my bosses allow it.  This plays to my strengths and to my experience, but it is also something new and challenging to work towards.  I already know (and have always known) that I don’t want to be a Director or a VP or anything of that crazy sort.  I’m too soft and emotional to be able to handle those battles…so going this route seems more natural to me.  Will that be the route my boss and HR choose for me?  Who knows…but it’s a goal.

I’m hoping 2015 will be a growth year for both of my careers.  It’s kind of strange having two careers…most people just say they have “two jobs,” but I don’t see it as that.  I’m investing myself and my time and so are the people around me.  It’s only fair that all of that pays off for both me and them.

Crossing 2

It's a strange thing with children...crossing the 2-year-old mark.  Suddenly they seem to go from baby to toddler in seconds.  The transformation is huge for them as their language and social skills seem to blossom, but the transformation for a parent is pretty big too.

It's big for a parent because they're still young enough that you remember the long nights (and still have them from time to time), the shrieking baby-sounding cries (that still also happen but are fewer and further between), the times when you can still rock them because they still fit in your arms.  Crossing the 2-year-mark puts an end to most of these things and it's a transition I've been thinking a lot about.

In those newborn days you just feel like you're doing everything you can to survive.  With all of Olivia's reflux issues and eating problems I couldn't wait for it to be over and for our life to stabilize.  With Isabella, I appreciated every moment, despite the struggles of always having a sick baby and dealing with an impossible 3-year-old.  Every moment I've held her and rocked her and been by her side, I take in and appreciate.  But I also couldn't wait.  I couldn't wait until I could walk with her hand in hand, until her and her sister could play together, until there was less crying in the middle of the night, until she could feed herself, communicate with me, understand me, help me understand her.  Now, as we inch closer to 24 months, this is all happening.  I feel at an empass because we're about to leave the baby years behind, for good, and as exciting as it is to finally feel like a fully functioning family that is enjoying life more instead of just surviving it, I'm also deeply saddened.

Olivia was and still is a very busy, strong-willed, demanding child.  Because she was my first, we were in a constant state of motion and trying to keep her busy and challenged and the time really just passed us by.  We didn't really enjoy it.  With Isabella, she moves much slower, sits and enjoys things, can focus on them, is so much more happy with all that she has.  I feel like I don't get to enjoy her enough.  I often wonder how different life would be if she was my first.  I think about how I would have been able to slow down and enjoy her more since she is not as demanding as Olivia was.  It seems no matter how much time I spend with Isabella, I feel like it's never enough.  I feel like the days just keep ticking by faster and faster and she's getting bigger and bigger.

As we near two I leave what I can remember of her babyhood behind and even though I almost mourn that it's over, I often think about the next stage of our life.  Jeff finishing school and starting work full time, allowing us to have an income to do the things we've always wanted to do, for both the kids and for us.  Without a baby in tow it will be easier to take vacations, do fun things, do some work on the house together, snuggle in bed and watch a movie together, go to the beach, play at the park, go to the movies and just be a family.  Keeping an eye on our future is what makes it easier to leave those years in the past.

Reflections

We are a reflection of our parents and how we were raised.  As much as we say we won't be like them, we are in some or many aspects because of this reason.  When Olivia was born I never realized the challenges that would face me in not just raising her, but changing myself so I could be a better parent to her.  Our kids are a reflection of us, so how do we change those ingrained, deep things about ourselves to be better parents for them?  I don't know!

I've actually faced this challenge both professionally and personally.  The first time was 5 years ago, when I began managing people.  I'm a very understanding and empathetic person, I always want everyone to like me and I always give everyone the benefit of the doubt.  Some say these aren't great qualities in a boss because then when you have a difficult situation, you have a hard time facing it, always empathizing and giving someone the benefit of the doubt.  In most cases I would blame myself in order to not have to blame them and therefore was much harder on myself.  In this 3 year process of trying to change myself, I ended up losing myself.  It took almost 4 years for me to get myself back again.

And then toddler-hood happened and I began to face new challenges about myself on a personal level.  Olivia's been a challenge since the day she was born, but nothing could prepare me for how hard she would push me to the limits of my being (and my sanity).  This is when I started noticing all of the bad things about myself I wasn't attuned to.  Kids really, really do bring out the ugliest, fiercest, emotional, scariest parts of your being.

Here are some of the things that I didn't really know about myself until I had kids:

1.) I have a temper and when I'm pushed to the edge, I say whatever I can to get my point across and make someone else feel as bad as they're making me feel.  This anger shows itself in Olivia and Isabella when they scream and yell when things don't go their way or they are unhappy with me.
2.) I have only-child syndrome.  I can only handle so much of people or children in my face before I feel completely trapped and claustrophobic and want to put myself in a bubble where no one can touch me.
3.) Un-organization kills me.  I hate, HATE, H-A-T-E when I go to my drawer to get my chapstick, (the same place it has been for ten years) and little sticky fingers have picked it up and put it somewhere I will never find it again.  I hate when I go to get a straw to a sippy cup and it didn't get put away in the right place, so I have to spend 20 mins looking for it.  I hate that my house always looks like someone tipped it upside down.
4.) I guilt and blame.  I never realized that I always played the blaming game...something has to be someone's fault ALWAYS.  It just can't be.  And now I noticed that Olivia does it too.
5.) Stress and anxiety.  The top thing I did not want to pass onto them and I've already done it to Olivia.  This runs on both sides of our family and it's very hard (in different ways) for us not to show that we're stressed or anxious to our kids.  I've had many moments where I've gone into panic mode because I didn't know what to do and I didn't have any help and I'm sure that was a total circus for Olivia to watch.  Slowly I've been trying to catch myself during the chaos and just try and put a smile on my face and talk to her all the while freaking out inside.
6.) Saying "it's ok."  I've never done this with myself...I basically just kick myself really hard when I screw something up.  Then I feel guilty about it forever.  With the kids, I really try hard to make a point that "it's ok" that you just spilled a gallon of milk all over my clean floor because "it was an accident," or "it's ok" that you just broke one of my prized possessions that I brought back from halfway around the world because "you didn't mean to."  Sometimes I say it more to calm myself down because I'm only human and human's having feelings too.  Sometimes all we're doing is faking it in front of them just to lose our shit later.
7.)  I'm not a big player.  Sounds funny, but it's true. I'd rather sit and color and craft with the kids, snuggle with hot cocoa and watch a movie, do board games, card games, make necklaces...I'm more of the creative person I've always been.  I don't like to run around outside and play hide and seek or tag, I don't like to slide down slides or jump on trampolines, I guess that's what dad's are for!  I've always been a creative person, since I was little, and that continues even today.

These are only a few things that I've discovered about myself while parenting.  So how do I keep it together and not let those true things in myself come out when I'm exhausted, stressed, at my wits end?  How do you change what's been part of you forever so they don't become a reflection of all of the bad things about you?

On a positive (and closing) note, the one reflection of us that I am proud of is how loving these kids are.  We've always been a hugging-kissing-snuggly family and these kids are very affectionate and love with all of their hearts.  They are kind, giving, caring, compassionate, sweet and each have a heart of gold.

Fact: You don't realize you have OCD until you have kids

I never considered myself a person with OCD.  I believe in good karma, I'm a tad superstitious (yes I still need to kiss my hand and touch the ceiling when I go through a yellow light) and I do like an organized house (even though that has completely gone out the window with kids).  What I wasn't planning on is how much it would hurt my soul and make me turn into an OCD freak when my kids do the following:

1.)  Deviate from their side of the coloring book and scribble all over my BEAUTIFULLY perfected Princess Ariel drawing.
2.)  Make me cringe when not only do their socks not match, but one is a ankle length and the other knee-high.
3.)  When they reorganize all of the folders on my iPad.  They are in their perfect categories, let them be!
4.)  When they fast-forward through the best song of the movie or song.  Hey, I wanted to listen to that!
5.)  When they pull all of my clothes off my hangars in my closet.  Or their closet.  Or the coat closet.
6.)  When they mix decks of cards...keep UNO in its own box, not in the Crazy 8s box people.
7.)  Mixing up the art supplies.  It seems whenever I organize all of the little pieces, crayons, markers, glue, glitter, jiggly eyes, pipe cleaners and buttons all in their appropriate areas, they all end up together again.
8.)  Keeping your hair in the ponytail/clip/braid I put it in.  Just. Leave. It. Alone.
9.)  Move or take MY stuff.  Not much is MINE anymore, the kids have completely taken over the house.  The few things that are mine are my makeup, my hair stuff, my chapstick and my lotion.  And every day or night when I go to the specific drawers or place on the counter to find these things, half the time they have been shoplifted and taken to another room completely or just MIA.
10.)  Hand washing.  Now that doesn't mean your typical OCD where I have the need to wash my hands several times, I'm talking about them not washing their hands at all or not good enough.  Olivia has been washing her hands since she was a baby, yet it's a foreign concept to her still at 5 (and every time she steps up to the sink) that she needs to 1. Wet them 2. Put the soap on 3. Rub together until lathered and 4. Rinse.
11.)  Never make it through the end of a game or puzzle on the iPad.  I get satisfaction and closure out of finishing what I started, but kids will sometimes quit right away, halfway through or almost at the end.  It hurts me when that last puzzle piece with Mickey's ear is not secured into place before the app is shut down.
12.)  Crash my dreams of a beautiful Duplo creation.  My castle was organized with colors and blocks all fitting perfectly together...I worked so hard...and then BOOM, it comes crashing down by a 2-year-old Godzilla.
13.)  Reading books with a two-year-old.  They never let you finish a page and it makes you feel like you're not getting closure because you don't know what happened to Horton on that next page.  Did he really hear the Who?
14.)  Ruin my organization.  I tend to [try to] organize everything in a way that makes it not just look like I halfheartedly cleaned when people come over, but so things are easy to grab and see, especially in a morning rush or during a bedtime meltdown.  No matter how many times I organize the pantry so snack foods are easily within reach or organize the cups in the cupboard so the straws have quick access (because you know, every freaking lid and straw is different), by the next day, it's gone to complete shit.  With two little ones at home you don't often have your ENTIRE house clean at once, so the little victories like reorganizing one shelf of the pantry or one shelf of a cupboard are huge for me.
15.)  Dirty a clean floor.  So cliché right? We have dark floors and it works all throughout the house just fine except the kitchen.  Every food and footprint shows up and within minutes of cleaning it looks like we just had a party.  I hate dirty floors.  Hate them.  I walk on them barefoot and hate getting cheerios stuck to the bottom of them only to crunch into billions of pieces with my next step.  But it's absolutely inevitable that they cannot keep it clean for more than 15 minutes.
16.)  Not wearing a matching outfit.  My internal self cringes, but the mom in me who wants them to be whoever they want to be doesn't say a thing.  Although it is sad that the cute matching Gap shirt and skirt will never be worn together in the same sitting...
17.)  Interrupting me while I'm singing to a song in the car.  Wait...that's my favorite part, stop asking me questions!
18.)  Take a clean iPad screen and turn it into a crusted, smeared, foggy mess.  I seriously cannot clean it with enough Wet Ones to get it clean after a day in the hands of these kids.
19.)  Take my food.  Practically out of my mouth.  I'm a sharing kind of girl.  I think especially if you go somewhere new it's awesome to share food because then everyone gets a taste of something different.  I however do not like little fingers in my rice, on my plate and practically taking my chicken off my fork.  It was cute when they were littler, but now, I'm just hungry, so eat your own food and stop touching mine.
20.)  Never letting me finish a task.  Just like the puzzles or games, I get satisfaction out of completion.  For example, sitting down to edit an entire photo session and actually accomplishing that.  I have to do everything as time allows so sometimes that means it takes me 3 or 4 tries to finish something.  It drives me nuts to have all of these unfinished tasks hanging over my head and I'm not able to actually complete them!

Ok, so maybe I'm a little OCD and didn't realize it until now.  It's growth for me as a person as these kids are teaching me invaluable lessons about not being perfect, but the OCD-er in me certainly struggles at times.

The Things People Never Told Me Before I Had Kids...

When you're pregnant it seems like every person tells you the following things:

"You better rest up because you won't be sleeping again for a while!"
"It'll take you a while to fit into those pants again."
"Are you sure it's a girl because you're carrying like a boy?"

The list goes on and on.  By your 7th or 8th month you're so tired of hearing the same things and just anxious for your own little one to pop out so you guys can start your lives together.

There are two big sections to my thoughts on the things people never told me before I had kids.  The first is baby STUFF.

THE STUFF

Being a mom that now shops almost completely second-hand or clearance, I can tell you that it's something you don't think about when you're preggo.  You fill your registry with all of these glorious things you want and then suddenly the baby arrives and you a.) don't even have half of it and b.) don't end up using most of it.  My biggest take-a-way from having two newborns is that they like what they like and so all of those $25 sleepsacks you thought were awesome, the fancy baby bottles that reduce air, those pacifiers that have cute little sayings on them...your kid just may not like them.  So then you starting buying bottles and sippy cups and different pajamas and everything else until your checking account has run dry, all to keep them happy.  This also includes diapers.  Some people swore to me Huggies were the best, some people swore Pampers, and other people said "hey the Costco brand is great!"  What I didn't realize is it's about what works for every child.  Case in point, Olivia was a preemie and had TINY legs.  So Huggies did not work for her, they always, always, ALWAYS leaked because they didn't snug her legs enough.  She wore strictly Pampers until she switched to pull-ups at around 2.5.  Isabella on the other hand was a normal sized baby.  I went back to Pampers Swaddlers and when I realized she wasn't leaking at all, I switched to Huggies because they're cheaper.

Strollers and car seats...holy moly.  When Olivia was born everyone had the simple Graco Travel System.  No biggie right?  Not that expensive right?  Great!  Registered, bought, done.  Except I ended up hating that stroller and it continues to collect dust at my mother-in-laws house.  It's horrible for everything but storage (the storage is great).  When I bought a double stroller I read the reviews, did my research and sure enough, it got used 4 times before I sold it and got myself another single stroller.  I now have sold two strollers and bought two City Mini Singles because they work with exercising, Disneyland, day trips, mall trips, everything.  And I got them both used for an amazing price.  Car seats...between two sets of grandparents and us it's a total of 8 car seats.  You've got that right, 8!  Only one is a booster because after I bought the booster, that's when I found out she should be in a five point until she's pretty much graduating from high school!  Kidding...sorta...  Anyway, these are things you slowly find out as you become friends with other mommies and as word spreads on social media like fire.  But things I wish I would have known before I invested and reinvested and invested again in something.

Back to buying things second-hand.  I just got a $400 car seat for $55 that will last Olivia and Isabella until the year 2020.  Yep you've got that right...I WILL BE 40 THEN.  And the sad part?  Because I'm looking for 5-point car seats that will accommodate their height and weight until they're probably 8 or 9 years old, I still have 3 more to buy to replace the ones I bought because I didn't know any different.  These are the things I wish someone would have told me before I had kids!

I've learned that some things work for your family and some things don't and because we don't all have the income or convenience to just go and buy something that works better for our situation, I do a lot of buying and selling of my items with other moms.

Next up, THE KIDS

People tell you when you're pregnant that you're never going to sleep again.  In the uncomfortable, exhausted pregnancy state you smile it off thinking "well it's only the first few months and then it'll get it better."  Right and wrong (sorry new moms).  The newborn state is a beast in its own.  It was really bad with Olivia but worse with Isabella because Jeff was working 24 hour shifts, so I was the sole caretaker of her night and day.  Getting up every 2-3 hours to feed for a half hour and then spend 15 more mins to put her down, then spend another 15 mins falling back asleep and then waking up an hour later to do it all over again.  You reach depths of exhaustion you will never ever understand until you do it.  The whole mantra of "sleep when the baby is sleeping" is honestly BULLSHIT.  It only works if you literally do not want to cook a decent meal, do some laundry, grocery shop, buy all of the crap the baby has changed his or her mind about (diapers, bottles, etc.) and make sure your house is clean enough to at least not be declared condemned by the city.  All of those people who said they were going to come by and help and visit, usually don't.  They want to give you space and within a couple weeks you are literally begging people to come over because you're going crazy.

After the newborn phase it's not much better.  First up it's sleep training so you can get them to sleep through the night without waking up so you can.  Then comes teeth which will wake them up frequently.  Snotty noses, vomit, diarrhea, bad coughs...yeah you pretty much don't get sleep until they're 3 and the teeth have come in, in which then you will have nightmares, more vomiting and plenty of stalling for them not to sleep.  And if you're unlucky they will come try and sleep with you at night.  And they move.  A lot.  And put a knee in your spine.  And smash your right boob.

And then they wake up early.  Really...freaking...early.  Be prepared to not sleep past 6 for a while and then 7 and maybe if you're lucky by the time they're 4 they'll sleep in til 7:30.  Seems late, except for the fact that you don't go to bed at 7:30 or 8, so you're tired from your Netflix marathon the night before.  Your sleep will never be yours again because even once they're lazy teenagers, you'll be up waiting for them to come home in time for curfew and wondering if they've been in an accident or who they're with.  No one prepared me for loss of sleep past the newborn phase.  Being a person that values my sleep A LOT, this is vital information.

The way kids push you to the brink of insanity is something I was never prepared for.  Having to ask 600 times to go brush your teeth and they still don't listen to you.  The fact that they were two steps from the toilet but still peed on the carpet because they've been holding it for 6 hours and would yell at you for even daring to ask the question "do you have to go potty?"  The arguing, the talking back, the timeouts that usually don't work, the way you have to teach them to be respectful to you and that you are allowed to tell them "NO!" but they cannot tell you that...the hitting, the biting, the licking, the fighting...none of this was I prepared for.  I was only prepared for tantrums.  And I'm talking 2-year-old tantrums I was prepped for.  4-year-old tantrums?  That's a whole new level of crazy.  The grating of the screams and the cries on you and your psyche is enough to make you run to the bedroom and scream into your own pillow.

And the next thing I wasn't prepared for and was the whole reasoning behind me thinking about writing this post...SIBLINGS.

I am an only child and never had the pleasure of sharing with a brother or sister.  It was all mine.  I didn't have to fight to be heard or get what I wanted.

When Isabella was born, despite the exhaustion of having two kids that sometimes wake up (all night) in the middle of the night and despite the constant illnesses the older one would bring home and give to the baby, I thought it wasn't so bad.  Tiring.  Busy.  Yeah.

Now the baby is turning toddler.  Full on melt-downs, fighting, pushing, yelling (you know, all of those awesome things her sister taught her...way earlier than she even learned them btw), screaming, fighting over Mommy, "MINE! MINE! MIIIIIIIINE!!!"  We are at a whole new level of parenthood.  My BFF had warned me about siblings fighting, so I already knew we were going to have issues with sharing and the whole nine yards.  I wasn't prepared for how much they would bounce off of each other to make things ten times crazier than they already were and to drain me of every ounce of energy and emotional stability I have.  Take them apart and you can handle one, but put them together and they are a force to be reckoned with!  They feed off of each other until the energy is so intense, both Jeff and I feel outnumbered, even though we're not.  We often just collapse on the floor or bed and let them run circles around us because we just don't have the energy anymore.  The only thing I can hope for in any given day is that they don't kill each other or get hurt in the process.

All-in-all would it have mattered if someone told me all of this (and more) before I had kids?  No.  Would I still have had them?  Yes.  But would knowing some of this change things?  Yes.  I would have bought different things so I didn't have to buy and sell so much and I may have had Isabella when Olivia was a little older.  The spacing between them is good because we didn't have double diapers, double cribs, double tuition to preschool, etc. etc. but I am now thinking it would have been better if Olivia was older.  Her being more mature for a sibling would have been key and would have kept us more sane.

Another random thing you can thank me for later...Don't buy toys with small parts - they end up everywhere and separated from their original mother ship and you will never be able to put it back together the way it came in the package. :-)

If My Second Was My First

I've been thinking about this topic for a while...if my second child was actually my first.  Would I have had another?  Would I have had more than two?  Would she have turned out different?  Would the original first turned out different being that she was the second and no longer spoiled rotten for 3 years previously...?

It's my opinion that Olivia has never been a normal baby or child.  We did not have the "normal" birth experience because she was 6 weeks early and spent her first week of life in the NICU.  She developed SEVERE infant GERD at 10 days old and lived with it (and on the meds) her first year of life.  From the day she was born she had a hard time eating and at one point had a feeding tube.  The day she came home she only ate 15-20cc of formula at a time.  She couldn't latch, she didn't fit into any of her clothes and she didn't even have her "newborn" pictures until she was 2.5 months old.  She never wanted to be in a swing, a carseat, swaddled, dressed, diapered or anything in the world touching her but us.  She couldn't sleep on her back because of her reflux so we ended up co-sleeping until she was old enough to semi-safely sleep on her tummy.

She was a very VERY demanding baby.  Very needy in every way.  She would never sit and play and explore on her own and when she did she was onto the next toy or book in about 3.5 seconds.  No amount of toys would ever keep her busy and she couldn't even sit through a whole episode of Mickey Mouse Clubhouse until she was 2.5 years old.  From the moment she realized there was more to life than sleeping, eating and pooping she was BUSY.  Never wanted to miss a moment, quitting naps pretty much by the time she was 2.5, always asking where are we going...she would actually cry when she realized we were going home from running errands because it was boring at home...she needed MORE.  She's VERY strong willed, very stubborn and very STRONG.

She will be 5 years old in less than 3 weeks and she is still this way.  Constantly craving something to do, always busy, always on the go and now that there's a sibling beside her competing for our attention, this has made all of the little nuances about her even more extreme.

Enter in Isabella.  Her birth experience was normal and quick despite a turbulent pregnancy.  She was born at 38 weeks, completely healthy and ready to eat my finger off from the minute she came out of the womb.  Her first meal was more than Olivia ate at 10 days old.  When she's hungry...girl is hungry...keep out of her way.

Isabella was hospitalized at 3 weeks old for what they thought was RSV and Pneumonia.  A spinal tap, several blood tests and a breathing tube later they basically just called it a bad cold.  She spent 6 days (a lucky number for us in the hospital apparently) in the Pediatric ward of Kaiser until she could breath better and her oxygen levels had returned.  Despite her being sick A LOT her first year (thanks to her older sister) and sick periodically well into her second, my experience as her mom has been more what I would call "normal."

Isabella will sit and play quietly with a toy for long periods of time.  She was able to watch "Frozen" all the way through well before 18 months and can watch whole TV shows without moving.  She is way more independent, is enjoyable to shop with (because she will actually stay in the stroller) and she is very easy going about going out or coming home...just rolls with the punches. Outside she always finds something to do, never requires constant entertainment.  She's happy just sitting with me and "talking" in our own way.  She loves her sister something fierce and her kitty, Belle, in which at 20 months she calls "Bewle."

I often think about what if Isabella was born first?  I see blogs and Facebook posts about all of these parents who think parenting is just super awesome and their kids seem like angels and I think "what did I miss out on with my first?"  I was too busy keeping Olivia so busy that I didn't enjoy any of her time as a baby.  I hated it.  And I hated it more when she became a toddler.  And now at almost 5 I just don't even know how I'm going to handle the teenage years because this girl is a force to be reckoned with.

If Isabella was born first would I have strolled hand-in-hand with her through stores and at the beach and actually enjoyed our days together?  Or as an only child would she have been just as strong-willed and busy as Liv?  Could I have had more time to enjoy the baby years instead of being in such a rush for her to grow up and get out of the crappy phase she was in?  Is their personality that innate in them that no matter who was born first, it would have turned out the same?

I also now see Olivia teaching Isabella things that Olivia didn't know until she started preschool.  Could I have had my sweet, loving Bella a little longer without her screaming "NO" and me dragging her down the hall just to get her diaper changed?  Is it her, is it her personality or is it her sister teaching her that?

I don't have an answer, I just wonder if things would be different.  If I had two children like Isabella would I have wanted a third?  Olivia was enough for us but I wanted two because I was the only child and I wanted to experience a more "normal" baby experience if it was at all possible.

It's really fascinating to me how certain things with us are there from the day we are born.  My kids both have things about them that still remind me of when they were babies.  I wish I could go back in time with each of them and spend a day with them without any other distractions and appreciate more how small they were and how simple life was.

To the parent's of the sick kid at my daughter's school

To parent's of the sick kid at my daughter's school,

I know it's hard to find someone to watch your kids when they are sick and you have to work.  That should however, BE YOU.  You sent your kid to school sick and in turn got my kid sick.  She then comes home and gets her little sister and me sick.  This is the billionth time I've been sick in the past 18 months and now I have to miss work because YOU sent your kid to school sick so YOU didn't have to miss work.

May I also mention to you the insane amount of money I spend on Dimetapp, VITAMINS, cough drops, Vicks, Mucinex, Advil cold and sinus, VITAMINS, tea, fruits & vegetables for juicing and more VITAMINS every time we all get sick, not to mention that I have to now include in my daily regimen to prevent getting sick even more (if that's possible).

Kid, I know who you are.  The new boy, I don't know your name yet, but last Wednesday I saw you with snot dripping down your face into your mouth as you ran around my daughter's Pre-K room.  How many other kids did you get sick that day?

Thank you also for interfering with our personal plans.  I have an appointment I'll have to reschedule so I don't get other people sick, because I actually have consideration for that.  I also have to put off two personal projects that were important for me to take care of this week.  I get to spend my next three days in the haze of Mucinex and Advil Cold and Sinus whilst laying in bed with a laptop propped up on belly, all the while you are out with your kids enjoying the sun and actually able to make it to your appointments and finish your personal projects.

Cheers to you, parent who sent your kid to school sick, I hope you were able to accomplish all you wanted to while you sent your kid to infect a whole classroom of 4-year-olds and their families too.

My Weight Battle

I've been wanting to write this post for a long time, but wasn't sure exactly what to say.  This morning as I was getting ready and battling the demons in my head if I should return to Weight Watchers today, I decided it's a good time to write out some thoughts.

As far back as I can remember I've been battling with my weight.  I could blame a lot of things from genetics to what we just didn't know about food 20 years ago, but that's useless now.  The fact that it's been a battle for pretty much my whole life is what leads me to now.

Now, in my early 30s, married, with two children and a life that never stops, I wonder is it really worth it to get back into my old jeans?  I eat healthy, these days 90% vegetarian, I exercise, I am good about including fruits, whole grains and mostly foods without any additives or chemicals in them.  My husband loves me for me, my kids don't see fat or skinny, they just see Mommy.  And at this point in my life a glass of wine 5 nights a week is something I enjoy, regardless of the carbs and calories that come with it.  So as long as things that are going in my body are healthy and I have a healthy lifestyle, why worry how much I weigh?  Is it my perception when I look in the mirror?  Is it the perception of others?  Of the media?  I wish I knew the answer to these questions...

I wish that I could magically be one of those curvier girls totally proud of how I look.  I wish I could be one of those moms blogging posts about my stretch marks and everything kids have done to my body and stating how beautiful it is.  I agree with these people, but unfortunately the demons within me don't allow me to be proud of that about my own body.  I look at others and think they're beautiful, I look at myself and find every inch of something wrong with me.

Let's talk a little bit about the actual food.  I LOVE FOOD.  In our house, with our families and with most of our friends, FOOD = HAPPINESS.  I love trying new foods at home or while traveling.  I love the happiness that being with a large group of people and just sharing a great meal brings.  Gossiping with some girlfriends having a few drinks and of course a great meal is my idea of an awesome night out.  I love introducing my kids to new foods and foods from my childhood.  Food is social.  Food is experiencing different cultures.  The textures, the taste, they all define good food.  Food is what makes a regular party a great party.

Now that we've established many of the reasons I love food, let's talk about the demons again.  Every piece of food and every ounce of liquid that goes in my body I have some sort of thought about.  Mostly guilt.  I beat myself up over splurging.  I enjoy food but instantly feel remorse, regret, hatred.  I have no will power so I struggle going places with people who get to eat whatever they want while I order a plain salad with the dressing on the side.  I am also not one of those people who "forgets" to eat.  Who just sees food as another task in the day.  Who can only take one small spoonful and then be full.

So what am I going to do about all of this?  I actually wish I had the answer to that.  Unfortunately at this point in my life a lot of these thoughts are ingrained into my personality, so changing them is hard.  For today, for now, I think I will go back to Weight Watchers today and travel down the counting and measuring path again.  At some point I'll hopefully fit back into some older pants and not look in the mirror and see as many things to nitpick so I can have a balance of a healthier weight with a healthier lifestyle.  Knowing how much of a battle this has been my whole life, I know it'll continue to be a battle for the rest of my life...

Working Mom

There's been so many articles circulating on my Mommy sites about Working Moms vs. Stay at Home Moms. I don't get why people argue which is better and bicker back and forth about who works harder. My take on it is slightly different. Currently, and for the last 10 years, I am the breadwinner in our family. In the last 5 years I am the only one with an income while my husband is in his final year of school trying to build a better career for himself and a more stable life for our family. Because of this, there has never been a question of "if" I could be a stay at home mom.

 My theory isn't that one or the other is better, my theory is some people are cut out for one or the other. It's a job in itself and just like I'm good at my job, a SAHM is equally good at her job. For as long as I can remember I didn't want to be in school, I wanted to work. I'm good at working, I like working, I like being surrounded by awesome people and working for a great company. I'm good at it. I am not so good at being a stay at home mom. I love spending time with my kids, but I lack the patience you need to be able to deal with kids for 12-13 hours a day. I could never do what a stay at home mom does and I feel like their jobs are thankless.

Just because I work doesn't mean I don't suffer from some of the SAHM woes. I know how it feels to clean for hours and it looks as if you've done nothing. I know how it feels to be ENDLESSLY exhausted whether you have a newborn, toddler or child. I know how it feels to just want to walk out of your house and scream at the top of your lungs from the insanity of just trying to get your 4-year-old dressed. I know how it feels to always be behind on school activities and events (my kid wore sweatpants on picture day). I'm the mom who pays all of the bills, makes the grocery lists, makes all of the doctors and dentists appointments, organizes the kids closets and clothes and many other things, including running my own side business. The point being that even though I'm a working mom, I'm still involved like a stay at home mom. My job allows me to be flexible to make it to special events, appointments or to just stay home when one of my kids aren't feeling well.

My kids don't love me any less for being a working mom. They may not understand it at this point in their young lives, but one day they will. I always understood that my parents had to work so we could have money for groceries and for living. I was a latchkey kid, part of carpools, hung out at friend's houses after school. I never thought my parents loved me any less. If anything it taught me that you have to work hard to support your family. What I've come to realize is some people believe that being a working mom means you don't love your children, but in reality, being able to provide them with food, shelter and fun things to do is how I love and take care of them.

*Side note: This goes for stay-at-home Dads too. :-)

The Season of Giving or Guilt?

This week I've been overwhelmed by so many people who have given to me and my children for this Holiday season. So many surprises like a gift card to take Olivia to see a movie, handmade jewelry, a handmade chalkboard serving tray I've been wanting, yummy homemade treats...the list goes on and on.

Not only is it the season of GIVING, but it's also the season of GUILT.  Yes, guilt over eating and gaining the few pounds back I just lost, but also the guilt of not being able to buy for everyone, especially everyone that gives to us.  As I've mentioned in previous posts this is Jeff's 5th Christmas not working full time so he can finish school and pursue a better career and a life that will afford us to save for our retirement and put our children through school.  Every year I've had to get creative with my time and my budget to make sure that at least our family (parents/grandparents/aunts, etc.) are able to open something on Christmas day and also that it's something special.  We're typically not able to give them more than 1 or 2 things and because of this I also cannot buy for my friends.

Who has "Giving Guilt?"  What does that even mean?  For me it means the act of feeling guilty when someone gifts to me or my family but I cannot give to them.  Based on my past experience with certain people who've been in and out of my life, there are certain individuals who actually DO expect a gift in return when they give to you.  They apparently also think money grows on trees and since they have some and have never struggled, it doesn't even occur to them that others may not be as fortunate as they are.  I'm sure Santa can also deliver a Unicorn if you want one bad enough.

So what does the Holiday Season mean to me besides the added pounds on my hips and the guilt of not being able to give?  The Holidays for me are a time to step away from our every day routines and just spend time with the people we love.  For my family that usually includes a lot of yummy foods, alcohol, traditions new and old, lots of pictures, quite a few movies and LOTS of laughter.  I grew up spending every Christmas Eve with a big family with lots of great food and laughter and these are the traditions I'll be passing onto my children.

I spoke to a close friend and even if she doesn't know it yet, a mentor. She simply told me that all that matters "is that you love people and yourself. There is no price tag...there is no amount of anything in this world that compares. You have to remember that the person gifting is gifting themselves just by the act alone. People never know how much you care until you show them how much [and] that doesn't come in form of a gift...It shows in actions...in loyalty...in truth."

She's right. If someone is going to get hung up on the fact that I can't give a gift back to them, then are they really worth it? Sometimes with people in our life we don't have a choice to write them off, they could be family or people you work closely with, but maybe you just don't invest any more in that relationship if this is their attitude.

Will this stop me from feeling guilty next year? I don't know. But I do know that I don't feel worthy of all of these gifts so I will work extra hard next year to be the best person I can be to show these people that all year long I have something to give back.

Happy Holidays from all of us to you.