My Weight Battle

I've been wanting to write this post for a long time, but wasn't sure exactly what to say.  This morning as I was getting ready and battling the demons in my head if I should return to Weight Watchers today, I decided it's a good time to write out some thoughts.

As far back as I can remember I've been battling with my weight.  I could blame a lot of things from genetics to what we just didn't know about food 20 years ago, but that's useless now.  The fact that it's been a battle for pretty much my whole life is what leads me to now.

Now, in my early 30s, married, with two children and a life that never stops, I wonder is it really worth it to get back into my old jeans?  I eat healthy, these days 90% vegetarian, I exercise, I am good about including fruits, whole grains and mostly foods without any additives or chemicals in them.  My husband loves me for me, my kids don't see fat or skinny, they just see Mommy.  And at this point in my life a glass of wine 5 nights a week is something I enjoy, regardless of the carbs and calories that come with it.  So as long as things that are going in my body are healthy and I have a healthy lifestyle, why worry how much I weigh?  Is it my perception when I look in the mirror?  Is it the perception of others?  Of the media?  I wish I knew the answer to these questions...

I wish that I could magically be one of those curvier girls totally proud of how I look.  I wish I could be one of those moms blogging posts about my stretch marks and everything kids have done to my body and stating how beautiful it is.  I agree with these people, but unfortunately the demons within me don't allow me to be proud of that about my own body.  I look at others and think they're beautiful, I look at myself and find every inch of something wrong with me.

Let's talk a little bit about the actual food.  I LOVE FOOD.  In our house, with our families and with most of our friends, FOOD = HAPPINESS.  I love trying new foods at home or while traveling.  I love the happiness that being with a large group of people and just sharing a great meal brings.  Gossiping with some girlfriends having a few drinks and of course a great meal is my idea of an awesome night out.  I love introducing my kids to new foods and foods from my childhood.  Food is social.  Food is experiencing different cultures.  The textures, the taste, they all define good food.  Food is what makes a regular party a great party.

Now that we've established many of the reasons I love food, let's talk about the demons again.  Every piece of food and every ounce of liquid that goes in my body I have some sort of thought about.  Mostly guilt.  I beat myself up over splurging.  I enjoy food but instantly feel remorse, regret, hatred.  I have no will power so I struggle going places with people who get to eat whatever they want while I order a plain salad with the dressing on the side.  I am also not one of those people who "forgets" to eat.  Who just sees food as another task in the day.  Who can only take one small spoonful and then be full.

So what am I going to do about all of this?  I actually wish I had the answer to that.  Unfortunately at this point in my life a lot of these thoughts are ingrained into my personality, so changing them is hard.  For today, for now, I think I will go back to Weight Watchers today and travel down the counting and measuring path again.  At some point I'll hopefully fit back into some older pants and not look in the mirror and see as many things to nitpick so I can have a balance of a healthier weight with a healthier lifestyle.  Knowing how much of a battle this has been my whole life, I know it'll continue to be a battle for the rest of my life...