I've actually faced this challenge both professionally and personally. The first time was 5 years ago, when I began managing people. I'm a very understanding and empathetic person, I always want everyone to like me and I always give everyone the benefit of the doubt. Some say these aren't great qualities in a boss because then when you have a difficult situation, you have a hard time facing it, always empathizing and giving someone the benefit of the doubt. In most cases I would blame myself in order to not have to blame them and therefore was much harder on myself. In this 3 year process of trying to change myself, I ended up losing myself. It took almost 4 years for me to get myself back again.
And then toddler-hood happened and I began to face new challenges about myself on a personal level. Olivia's been a challenge since the day she was born, but nothing could prepare me for how hard she would push me to the limits of my being (and my sanity). This is when I started noticing all of the bad things about myself I wasn't attuned to. Kids really, really do bring out the ugliest, fiercest, emotional, scariest parts of your being.
Here are some of the things that I didn't really know about myself until I had kids:
1.) I have a temper and when I'm pushed to the edge, I say whatever I can to get my point across and make someone else feel as bad as they're making me feel. This anger shows itself in Olivia and Isabella when they scream and yell when things don't go their way or they are unhappy with me.
2.) I have only-child syndrome. I can only handle so much of people or children in my face before I feel completely trapped and claustrophobic and want to put myself in a bubble where no one can touch me.
3.) Un-organization kills me. I hate, HATE, H-A-T-E when I go to my drawer to get my chapstick, (the same place it has been for ten years) and little sticky fingers have picked it up and put it somewhere I will never find it again. I hate when I go to get a straw to a sippy cup and it didn't get put away in the right place, so I have to spend 20 mins looking for it. I hate that my house always looks like someone tipped it upside down.
4.) I guilt and blame. I never realized that I always played the blaming game...something has to be someone's fault ALWAYS. It just can't be. And now I noticed that Olivia does it too.
5.) Stress and anxiety. The top thing I did not want to pass onto them and I've already done it to Olivia. This runs on both sides of our family and it's very hard (in different ways) for us not to show that we're stressed or anxious to our kids. I've had many moments where I've gone into panic mode because I didn't know what to do and I didn't have any help and I'm sure that was a total circus for Olivia to watch. Slowly I've been trying to catch myself during the chaos and just try and put a smile on my face and talk to her all the while freaking out inside.
6.) Saying "it's ok." I've never done this with myself...I basically just kick myself really hard when I screw something up. Then I feel guilty about it forever. With the kids, I really try hard to make a point that "it's ok" that you just spilled a gallon of milk all over my clean floor because "it was an accident," or "it's ok" that you just broke one of my prized possessions that I brought back from halfway around the world because "you didn't mean to." Sometimes I say it more to calm myself down because I'm only human and human's having feelings too. Sometimes all we're doing is faking it in front of them just to lose our shit later.
7.) I'm not a big player. Sounds funny, but it's true. I'd rather sit and color and craft with the kids, snuggle with hot cocoa and watch a movie, do board games, card games, make necklaces...I'm more of the creative person I've always been. I don't like to run around outside and play hide and seek or tag, I don't like to slide down slides or jump on trampolines, I guess that's what dad's are for! I've always been a creative person, since I was little, and that continues even today.
These are only a few things that I've discovered about myself while parenting. So how do I keep it together and not let those true things in myself come out when I'm exhausted, stressed, at my wits end? How do you change what's been part of you forever so they don't become a reflection of all of the bad things about you?
On a positive (and closing) note, the one reflection of us that I am proud of is how loving these kids are. We've always been a hugging-kissing-snuggly family and these kids are very affectionate and love with all of their hearts. They are kind, giving, caring, compassionate, sweet and each have a heart of gold.
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