6 weeks, 2 days...

Originally written: January 26, 2009

I'm having really mixed emotions right now. I go from being so happy to so scared in a heartbeat and I think the situation with possibly getting this new job is just adding fuel to the hormonal fire.

I have to take this job to further my career and better setup a future for my family. If I don't take this job I lose a huge opportunity and also a pay bump and not taking it could result in my career being at a standstill for years to come. Taking this job is a step in the right direction...so why does it feel so wrong? Well, I think what's hard for me is that with this opportunity and the ability to setup my future for my family, also comes long hours, month-ends, and a high demand on myself emotionally. It's also going to result in a shorter maternity leave than I really wanted to take (so I can be back for the year-end close) and it'll result in probably a 50+ hour work week. I feel like I'm going to miss so much of my child's life working so many hours every day. I just feel like it's really unfair. Why couldn't Jeff be the one with the career and the promotions and the bread-winning salary so I could work part time or at least take enough time during maternity leave? But it's never going to be that way. We'd have to live on food stamps with his salary, that's for sure.

Both the decision to have a child and to move forward with my career seem to be happening at the same time. It's making this journey a lot more emotional as I think about the sleepless nights to come, the time I'll be away from the baby after he/she is born, and how much of a challenge this new job will be for me mentally. (I mean, supervising 12 women with no past supervisory skills - holy crap!) It seems all so overwhelming right now and even though I know I have to move forward with this job, it's very hard for me to want to with this little baby growing inside of me.

Some days I feel so ready to take on the world - "I can be a super mom and excel in my career at the same time!" - and other days I just wonder what the hell I'm doing. There's so many questions...
Who's going to watch the baby until my parents are able to be here permanently in the Spring?
Who's going to clean the house and do the laundry when I'm exhausted and working a billion hours whilst being up all night with a newborn?
How will I work so many hours, come home, make dinner, take care of a baby and then be up all night with diaper changes and feedings, only to wake up at the crack of dawn again the next morning to do it all over again?

I know everything will work itself out, but nonetheless, I'm pretty stressed out right now. It's all so overwhelming and I think it's magnified by 100 times because of my hormonal changes.